A Creative Leak

Speechless

2012-01-27T20:34:00.000-07:00

This afternoon the kids and I met some different kids who live on our block. Julia had gone with a friend to Ulta, probably her new favorite store since she's discovered the world of makeup, and Holly and Alan had gone outside to play. Holly and Alan met some kids about their ages out front and played a little basketball with them before moving to the backyard.

There were 4 boys. Two brothers, one who was Alan's age and was playing with Alan and the other was Julia's age and was playing with Holly. The other two boys were a little older and weren't related.

Everyone seemed to be getting along, being polite, sharing, following the rules of the yard... I was talking with one of the older boys who was amazed and interested in the garden and what grew there. The other boys and Holly were swinging on the tire swing and climbing the rope and playing tug-o-war with another rope in the yard.

I was slightly prying into the one boy while talking about the garden to find out where these boys lived and to try to get a handle on how old they were.

Then Alan came out from inside the house with some toilet paper in his hands. He said his friend had to use the bathroom and hadn't made it in time. And he said the boy was out front with poop in his pants.

So I went to investigate. (Jillian was safely swinging and I left Holly watching her swing.)

I found the boy in the front of the house, with his pants semi-down. I told him to come in, showed him the bathroom, gave him a grocery sack to put his dirty stuff in, and gave him some wipes. I told him to put his pants in the bag, to finish on the toilet, to use toilet paper and clean himself with wipes - which he should put in the trash - and I gave him a pair of Alan's old pants I'd been contemplating putting in the Goodwill box.

And I left him.

He cleaned himself. I guess. And came outside. Then I sent him back inside to wash his hands. And he went and washed.

Then he came back out and went back to playing. The other boys didn't give him a hard time at all. They did eventually want him to get off the swing because he smelled bad, but they didn't tease him.

And they didn't take him home.

Shortly afterward, I sent them all home anyway. It was getting to be dinner time.

I think even Alan was amazed at the boy going to the front yard to do his business.

After they left I cleaned up some toilet paper from the front flowerbed - which is basically empty at the moment.

I was left kind of speechless. Aside from being amazed that the events even took place the way they did, I was kind of amazed that the boy didn't want to go home, embarrassed.

As they ran off toward home after I sent them on their way, I called after the last one "Nice to meet you!", and he called back with a "Thanks."

And I guess that's that.

2012-01-26T13:06:00.000-07:00

Jillian's a climber.

And last night I made my first trip ever to the emergency room.

Luckily for me, Sean was along for the ride. Jillian fell off a dining room chair. She cried out at first and then went limp and her eyes rolled in her head. I handed her to Sean saying she hit her head and her eyes look funny. And she slumped in his arms. My mom was over to have dinner with us, and she stayed with the three big kids. We got in the car to go to the hospital and Jillian started waking up. She cried the whole way and then she was pretty calm and quiet. In the waiting area she seemed alert and could walk fine. We decided to take her back home and watch her. So we left.

As we were back home for a few minutes getting dinner on the table when she threw up. So we went back to the hospital.

The CT scan was normal, and Jillian cried through the whole thing. She was swaddled in the lead blanket thing with Sean beside her. He got the job of staying in the room with her - but he wouldn't have had it any other way.

Today she's acting completely normal. And still climbing.

Scouting Outing

2012-01-23T08:54:00.000-07:00

Saturday morning, Alan and I went to his cub scout derby. He won 2nd place in his den with his car, Master Blaster.

You know his favorite part of the day? Aside from buying a soda and nachos from the concessions stand, he loved racing his car against whomever else wanted to race it after the official racing was over. The cubmaster let the boys just run their cars while some of the adults took down the decorations around the room. They'd hand over their cars and run down to the finish line, then run back up to the start to do it again.

He finished 2nd in every race against his den. They ran once for each lane on the track. The trophy is really nice - but he was more excited to watch his car beat 5 other random cars in one race at the end of the day than he was to finish 2nd and get a trophy for it.

A Little Crafting Reminder

2012-01-21T03:33:00.001-07:00

Sometimes I have to remember to do this.

Part of my Happiness Project is reading books on parenting and marriage. I like the Screamfree books, by Hal Runkel. I think he even used the word 'unflappable' in the parenting one. And I strive to be unflappable. Which means I need to just pause and breathe a little every now and then.

Getting Big

2012-01-20T06:30:00.000-07:00

I would swear that the other day as we got out of the car I said to Jillian, "It's time to go take a nap." And she said, "Ooo-kay."

And I would swear that this morning when I went in to the bedroom after she woke up, she said, "Wake up," as I picked her up.

Swear.

Day Trip.

2012-01-16T05:00:00.000-07:00

The kids were home from school Friday and we took the time to go see my grandma in Charlotte. Alan - all of his own doing - brought along the photobook I'd made for him in 2010 of his life so far. Then as soon as we got to Grandma's, he sat down with her to look through it, pointing out his favorite memories and funny things he saw.

My cousin's littlest girls were there while she was working, and Jillian was fascinated by Allison. She mostly wanted to touch her head - or eyes. See the little raw spot on her thumb? I thought it was from a fall she took, but my mom pointed out it lines up with her teeth when she sucks her thumb. Wonder if her thumb was in her mouth when she fell...

We chatted for awhile and Julia took Jillian outside to walk around a little with Holly following as photographer.

Julia also did a lot of drawing with Ansley, who is three. I never knew what an attentive babysitter Julia could be. They drew pictures and played hide and seek (including Holly and Alan) and played with some play food.

She - and Holly - surprised me. And they both seemed to enjoy it.

While the girls colored and whatnot, Alan had brought his golf set and putted in the hallway. He took the clubs outside and knocked a ball around the backyard, too. He really wanted Grandma to go with him outside and either play or watch. But it was a little chilly for her.

I think my Aunt Linda is hiding down the hall, so I missed documenting seeing her and Stephanie. It was a fun day for us, and not a bad drive although Jillian was kind of done with riding before we got halfway home.

We always forgive her for being cranky in the car when she follows it up with cute things like climbing in the basket of shoes just to hang out for awhile.

Early mornings...

2012-01-16T04:28:00.000-07:00

I love early mornings. More than late nights. I love being up before the kids and able to drink my coffee in the quiet. It's worth getting out of a warm bed - most of the time.

I need a little down time at night to regroup before I sleep. Sometimes I read a book. Sometimes I cruise through blogs. Watch some mindless TV- preferably entertainment news and usually it ends with me wondering why I bother to waste my time watching it. Last night I read a magazine. Southern Living. And this morning I have a few ideas rolling through my head.

I really should do something about the clutter and prettiness in the bedrooms.

And second I'd love to take a driving vacation to some significant places - the article was about a driving tour across Mississippi stopping at famous writers' haunts and homes. I wish Mississippi was closer.

Then I wonder if I could find a similar themed getaway around South Carolina...

Of course, it wouldn't be the same. But it might get me looking. Or heading to Mississippi before the year's out.

Thank You. Expectations.

2012-01-07T09:10:00.000-07:00

So Julia was the one who was reluctant to write thank you notes. And now she has written them and they're waiting on me to walk them to the mailbox. She even designed and drew the cards. And she did that before she kind of gave up on them and before I told her 'fine - don't do it if you don't want to', and before I then changed my mind and told her under no circumstances was she getting out of thanking people.

I gave up there for a little bit. I told her I wanted the notes written. She resisted. I told her why. I explained very nicely about etiquette and socially acceptable behavior. Part of our conversation even followed a Today show segment on etiquette and manners - is it okay for me to skip my friend's party I accepted an invitation to because I really want to go to another party? I truly expected her to choose to write the notes. So I left it up to her and threw my hands up and gave in. Do whatever you want.

And she chose the other way.

Then I saw some statistics on how many families write thank you notes. And I realized that this was REALLY important to me and I shouldn't have given in. And we revisited the issue. She told me it was all my fault. My fault she hadn't written them because I told her it was up to her. My fault she didn't remember who gave her what because I didn't pay attention when she opened her gifts. My fault for just about anything that came out of my mouth. But within 24 hours she had written the notes.

And my apologies for the spoiler if you're going to receive one, but I was really happy with her and them. I wasn't even home when she did them. I was out running errands before she came home from school and when I got back, they were done. Just like that.

Big breath out.

Thank you
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Parenting and Happiness Project goes on

2012-01-04T19:25:00.000-07:00

I'd say the Happiness Project is still going on. I'm still working on the clutter. I haven't singled out a room or a shelf or a spot yet to focus my decluttering on, but I try to pick away here and there. And I've been dancing with Just Dance on the new Wii every now and then during the day. It's not the same as running, but it's probably better than nothing, and it's been cold out lately.

And the other thing on my mind lately is Parenting. I'm finding myself drawn to parenting help websites, articles, books, and anything else I can grab on. This world of tweens is scary. I feel a lot of pressure that something I do or say - or don't do or don't say - is going to make a huge difference in a bad way.

And sometimes when I read someone else's parenting adventure or when I read a little bit of advice I remember to BREATHE. And be calm. And to not jump to react before logical thought can come to my brain.

It's the makeup. The influence of friends that I'm just not sure about. The wanting acrylic nails because a friend has them. The wanting to wear pants 3 sizes too small because of the way they make her butt look. The use of cell phones and texting - texting boyfriends. Texting friends. Texting back and forth with one friend when another friend is in the room. The not wanting to write thank you notes even though I made a huge deal about the importance and gave a deadline. The 20 minute showers and the refusal to take showers. The mess in the room.

Issues.

I'm struggling with the balance of letting them be themselves - teaching them etiquette - letting natural consequences occur - and getting what needs to be done, done.

BREATHE.

Maybe running in the cold isn't so bad - it'd probably help me breathe.

Day 2 - Project Happiness

2012-01-02T19:48:00.000-07:00

I took some stuff to the donation place today. That felt good.

Read lots of articles and posts on the computer about people eating right and getting healthy in 2012. Then I fried potato chips in lard.

The kids go back to school tomorrow. I don't want to get up at 5:30, but I'm kind of looking forward to the hours of peace.

Good day.

My Happiness Project

2012-01-01T19:32:00.000-07:00

I recently read The Happiness Project, by Gretchen Rubin. Then within a week of finishing it, I borrowed a Good Housekeeping magazine from my mom and while turning the pages found an article written by her. Hmm. I requested her example of a resolutions chart the other day and spent the next day altering it to fit my own resolutions. I've printed out through June, leaving a few slots blank because I don't like to feel too nailed down in the rules of things.

January I'm supposed to be focused on boosting my energy by decluttering and whatever else I think will boost my energy. So I started the other day with throwing out things I might otherwise have held onto, and I've started a new box to take to Goodwill. Tonight I fnished the last dishes instead of leaving the water glasses from bedtime to do with the breakfast dishes. It's part of my nightly tidy up.

I'd say I'm off to a good start. A few resolutions I don't have on my list for January but plan to focus on in other months are - spending more time outside/ getting back into running and exercise. I did spend time outside today, following Jillian around the yard and watching the big kids and their friends play.

April is my month to really focus on parenting, but I already know a few resolutions and I'm trying to keep them in mind now. I want to let my kids be themselves. I want to acknowledge their feeings - like not telling them they aren't hungry or tired or bored when they claim to be those things.

Julia puts on makeup 10 times a day. She had a friend over today and they watched videos of how to apply makeup for certain effects and then practiced what they'd seen. She's gone through a pack of makeup remover wipes that she got a week ago - really I'm surprised they lasted the week. I don't understand the fascination with makeup. I was never into makeup - but I have started to wear more of it myself as she's gotten interested in it. I never wanted to wear makeup to school in 6th grade. Or 10th grade for that matter. So I don't understand what she's seeing in it or in herself when she has it on or doesn't. Or maybe I make too much of it. But either way, I want to be okay with her and her fascination with makeup. I find myself wishing she was more into a sport or some other activity and didn't have the time to mess with makeup. Only that doesn't seem to be who she is.

Another resolution that fits in another month is to blog more often.

Maybe with pictures.

Happy New Year!

2011-12-31T19:35:00.000-07:00

New Year, New Tricks. I guess.

The kids and I are hanging out at home tonight. Watching back to back episodes of Wizards of Waverly Place through the Roku. Mom's gone to visit a friend out of town and Sean's working.

I'm not feeling very festive, but I feel an obligation to tradition and ritual. I've got sparkling grape juice in the refrigerator for the kids and plan to have some black eyed peas tomorrow. And I've made a whole chart of resolutions for myself... inspired after reading The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin. I'm ready. And the kids are enjoying the neighborhood fireworks.

Happy New Year!

Merry Christmas!

2011-12-25T18:58:00.000-07:00

One Christmas my mom gave Alan a gift that was wrapped using a Cheerios box. He unwrapped the box and exclaimed "Oh! I love Cheerios!"

This Christmas I forgot about hiding a bunch of gifts in the garage. Alan had no gifts from me under the tree. He didn't complain a bit. He opened his gifts from Grandma and Grandpa and Granna and Sean and happily started playing. I didn't realize how many were missing until Mom remembered where I'd put them. 6. When I brought them in mid-morning, he didn't give me a hard time at all. He just opened them and loved them and started playing.

And he gave me my gift - a necklace that's a prayer box. A tiny heartshaped box to hold good thoughts for when I have a bad day and need to let them out. He explained it all in his card to me.

Sweet sweet boy.

Dreams Part II

2011-12-11T18:54:00.000-07:00

Julia made the callback for the audition she did.

That made us all happy. She did well. The man she auditioned for was impressed with her. I believe that's all sincere.

But... we didn't go to the callback.

I googled the names of the people we saw. And I googled the names of the companies they mentioned. It didn't all fit together nicely. There were plenty of complaints about the head guy. The only cities I saw mentioned along with his name were Nashville and Atlanta. Not Los Angeles. The sheet of paper with the information for the next steps had no company name on it. No contact information. The showcase he claimed to be holding auditions for was not billed as presented by any company at all.

If I'd gone, I had a list of questions ready.

But instead of going, we decided that the money we could have spent on that could be better spent in the local theater taking classes and such.

And Julia was okay with that. Truly.

That made me happy.

She really is impressive.

Cookies Part I

2011-12-11T18:48:00.001-07:00

Julia and I made spritz before the others and I made the chocolate cookies with peppermints. My first batch of dough was too dry for the press. It lead to a lot of angst and ire on my part. We ended up making a new batch of butter dough and a new batch of chocolate dough which we rolled in sprinkles instead of powdered sugar. They were delicious - but the spritz still didn't want to stick to the pan and it gave me even more angst and ire. We ended up making a semi-shortbread with the dough that was slightly dry a few days afterward... I couldn't bring myself to throw it out.

According to Grandma Sarah, we needed to chill our metal cookie sheet to help the dough stick. And the batch I made using that trick worked fabulously. So much for my parchment paper and baking stone.

Lucky for me, Julia still had fun with me. Regardless of the angst and ire.

Cookies

2011-12-11T18:42:00.000-07:00

These cookies are good. From Rachael Ray's magazine, a chocolate cookie with a peppermint patty inside...

my helpers did a great job encasing the peppermints. We only had a few leak out - and even they were delicious. We'll be making more this week!

Big Dreams

2011-12-10T17:15:00.000-07:00

The other morning - at 6:40 am - Julia heard an announcement on the radio about auditions to be on tv. She had time to come to me in the kitchen and say "I want to do that" while the commercial was on. And I said - well, then get the information from the commercial. The next thing I know, she has the phone in her hand and is saying - I think I got it right! Yes! I got it right!

Silly me, I asked what she was doing. She told the person on the other end to hold on.

She set up an audition today with some kind of talent scout agency.

It went well. She was excited, but realistic. She was energetic and happy and gave her best. And the guy she performed for was impressed with her.

There are 2 hours left for him to call and say come back tomorrow.

I kind of hope he doesn't call.

And kind of hope he does.

And really hope she keeps her dreams alive either way.

Kids. And Parents.

2011-12-05T07:33:00.000-07:00

Me: We don't drink juice all day. It's not that good for us.
Alan: Well coffee's not good for you and you drink it all day.

First of all, no I don't. Second of all, if I did, how would he know? He's at school!

Last night after dinner I had Alan straighten up the living room, Holly sweep the living room, dining room, and hall, and Julia fold and put away one basket of laundry. Julia griped about having to put the laundry away, saying I didn't TELL her to put it away. I just told her to fold it. And she folded it on the living room floor that Alan had just uncovered. As she begrudgingly put the laundry away, she fussed at me not to be mad when it was all in the wrong place because she didn't know where things go. This morning I found my underwear in Jillian's dresser. Along with a pillowcase for a living room throw pillow and some washcloths. A bathroom hand towel was hanging in the kitchen. I'm beginning to think she needs to put away laundry more often - just so she'll learn where things go. Hm.

There was a point last night that I fussed at Julia for leaving Alan's clothes neatly folded on top of his dresser instead of putting them in the drawers. Silly me. I should have known. Holly had put the clothes there earlier in the day as a favor to me to make up for being so just generally mean that we left her at home while the rest of us went to the store. The clothes Julia put away were shoved in the first drawer she'd opened. So as the girls went to bed I calmly told Julia that the next time I mistakenly accused her of something, perhaps instead of getting mad (I know it's easier said than done), she could just calmly tell me that those were not the clothes she'd folded. Her response was that I never see the good things they do and only the things they do wrong and I never say Thank You but I get told Thank You all the time.

Okay. I can work on that.

I'm making an effort today to say Thank You for all the little things.
And don't think I'm not counting how many I hear for comparison. Then again - on second thought - I think that might just be depressing. I think I'll stick to being possibly overly thankful today.

It's Time...

2011-12-03T18:03:00.000-07:00

It's time to be decking the halls and having all sorts of holiday fun. I've decided tomorrow is the day for making cookies. And I've decided we're going to have fun while we do it. Gosh, I hope it works out like that.

The last few years... well, maybe almost as many years as I've had children around... I haven't had or made time for making cookies. Not that I remember. Not the kind of making cookies I really want to do. So I'm hoping tomorrow is the day and that the girls are old enough to be helpful and young enough to enjoy it at the same time.

A few years ago in Tucson the girls and I went to a neighbor-friend's house to decorate gingerbread houses. That was a lot of fun. I didn't know any people there other than the hostess, and I didn't gain any new friends from the afternoon, but it really was fun while it lasted. I'm debating trying to host something similar here this year for the girls and their friends.

I'm almost done buying gifts. At some point in the holiday preparations I had dreams of an all homemade Christmas. That didn't happen. And in the last two days I spent enough time in Target and Kohls to know that it's shopping that makes me want to shop. I walk down the aisles and want one of everything - for someone. Then I realize that I'm just wishing for a bunch of Stuff and I can think of 2 things at least that I should have made to give that person.

Every year I pledge to start early. Every year I fail. And every year as soon as I feel like I'm finished shopping I see 15 more gifts I want to buy the people I love. And then I'm glad I didn't start earlier.

We have the Christmas music going. We've decorated inside and out. I've been out in the crowds of people shopping. Somehow it doesn't feel like the holidays yet. I'm hoping we'll make so many cookies tomorrow that we can share some in Secret Santa style with friends in the neighborhood. Maybe then the Spirit will hit me.

House Projects

2011-12-02T07:32:00.001-07:00

Yes, that's duct tape on the window. And that's a new window waiting to be installed.

There's tape on the window because the old couch tapped it on the way out to make room for the new couch. And since there was already a pane missing from the double pane window, it's time to repair or replace it.

I think the new couch is worth a new window.

We found a spot for the Christmas tree in the new arrangement. It felt good to have one of Julia's friend's moms remark to me that the room felt more open with the new arangement.

But the broken window has become another snowballing house project like the new bathroom that we got because of the vanity we liked at IKEA.

At the same time we fixed the hall bath to accomodate the new cabinet we started working on the other bathroom, too. It's still waiting for the new toilet and vanity that are taking up space in the bedroom corner for now (in boxes, of course). But we did put up a new light and some shelving.

And then there's the wall of portraits that I don't remember sharing before. Julia's and Alan's were taken at school by the same company but at different times. Sean's cousin took the portrait of Jillian last August, and Holly was playing model for me on that same trip in August. We were just playing around, but ended up with a picture to go with the others.

But about that window...

Sean was really hoping for new windows without a grid. And hoping for black windows so the old and new would match a little more as we worked on replacing them. But, obviously we ended up with white and grids. And because the trim had to come off and will have to go back, we'll be painting it. And that will begin the process of painting the house itself - which may be a hidden blessing since the water damaged boards here and there need to be replaced anyway.

We're learning to be patient and not expect it to all be magically changed at once. Or maybe that's just me who is learning to be patient. I'm really hoping that the toilet and vanity get out of the bedroom and into the bathroom before too long...

Holly's birthday and other things from November

2011-12-01T07:32:00.000-07:00

We had a family party - with one friend - for Holly's birthday. She requested a Mexican fiesta, and we tried to give it to her. We had tacos and enchiladas and quesadillas - and a pinata. Badminton. I whacked Sean's hand with the stick while he held the pinata. Holly got an iPod. And Julia got jealous. And she got some white boots with white fur and pom poms. And a journal that opens to her voice. We started the day at Waffle House where Alan announced to the restaurant that his teacher prefers IHOP. One of the waitresses told him to be sure to tell his teacher that Waffle House is better, and then she gave him a hat.

The kids went with Oliver to Mississippi for Thanksgiving. We met up in Greenville and got to see a little of my brother and his family before parting ways.

After the drama at Awana, Julia hadn't been going anymore. I don't really think she missed it. The church ended up splitting the class into a younger and an older group, but I still planned to stay out. I've been enjoying Wednesday nights at home with the kids. Holly's even taking a break from the church choir - which I have mixed feelings about, but again I'm enjoying Wednesdays at home with them. Then last night the friend who goes to Awana called asking if Julia wanted to go. I think she missed having Julia there. And so Julia went. And everything was fine. Nothing to talk about afterward though - not even what was for snack.

Wednesday Night Drama

2011-11-03T05:25:00.000-07:00

Be kind - for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle. - Plato, maybe.

That quote came into my email inbox a few weeks ago at the top of a parenting tip email I signed up to receive, and it's stuck in my head. It was attributed to Plato in the email, but when I googled it, was also attributed to other people. No doubt many people have had the thought without knowing it was said before.

Julia has been going to Awana for the last month or so with a friend who lives up the street. She always has a good time. She talks about the snacks they give out and the games they play. She's in a group of kids in grades 6 to 12. The church's pastor is their group leader. But every week it seems there's been some kind of incident.

The first week the kids played a game holding hands in a circle in the gym. The object was to not get thrown into the middle. Julia's friend was forced into the circle with a little too much gusto and was hurt. The next week Julia had a run-in with words with one of the older girls in the group. The other girl told Julia she was acting too mature. Julia was upset by the time the friend's mom picked them up, and the mom brought in the adults in charge in some way. The adults said they'd talk to the older girl and maybe the 6th graders should move to a different class.

The next week everything was fine, but the only 6th graders to move out of the class were Julia and her friend. If I remember correctly, they were given the option to go back to the older group and they went.

Things have been better - probably because the girls have had limited interaction. Then last night as the kids waited to be picked up, there was another incident.

One of the older girls commented about another 6th grade girl's hairstyle - calling her a 'hot mess'. Julia asked if that was an insult or a compliment. The other girl maybe said she wasn't talking to Julia and went back to her friends and said something about Julia's big mouth. Then the girl came back and asked if Julia gets in fights a lot. To this, Julia replied, "And?"

Here I have to pause.

I don't really know what happened exactly. I'm going by what Julia told me, and by what I remember of what Julia told me. Last night when we talked about it, she was angry. I couldn't hear a lot of what she was saying for listening to the anger in her voice. I was a little surprised I guess.

I would like to give Julia full benefit of the doubt and say she had no bad intentions. But I am beginning to realize that the innocence is fading. It's more likely that she was tired of being picked on - or tired of feeling like she was being picked on - or tired of watching out and trying to decide if she was being picked on. And she lashed out.

The girl I laughed at her and went back to her own friends and then at some point the older girls then told the pastor Julia has problems.

I'm not sure.

I do know that they were late getting home because the friend's mom stayed to talk things over with the pastor and Julia. She told me that Julia was in tears when she got there. I don't know if the tears were because of the incident itself or because she was afraid she wouldn't be allowed to go back next week.

I asked Julia what the pastor said. She said that he told her those girls live in a nearby apartment complex where bad things go on and they probably have a hard situation at home and to just stay away from them. He said he may split the class but that he doesn't have enough adult helpers to do it.

And I suppose this is where I have a problem.

I'm all for being kind. I told Julia that it's always best to say what you mean and mean what you say. And most of the time it's best to not answer a question with a question. Her response of 'And?' was really not helpful communication. I do believe that Julia should be kind to the older girls. They just may be fighting a hard battle of their own.

But on the other hand - Awana is supposed to be a place of learning. And to just excuse the way the kids are interacting and overlook it as an outcome of a hard situation at home doesn't feel right to me. I think they all could benefit from a sit-down discussion. What a perfect opportunity for the pastor to talk to all of them about any number of things - loving one another, showing kindness, being honest and good and the Golden Rule. Whatever.

Maybe the fact that when I ask if they had fun and what they did, the answer I get is what they ate at snacktime is really too telling.

Busy Times

2011-11-02T18:53:00.000-07:00

Lucky is staying with my mom for a few weeks. Jillian made herself at home in his room. Sometimes she even chews on his toys.

Sean made some stilts and my mom taught the kids how to walk on them. That's me in the red pants. Julia's in the jeans.

My brother and his kids came down for Jillian's birthday party. I love Julia's and Noah's relationship. She has loved his this much all her life. It's something to see.

See? And I dare say the feeling is mutual.

Sean's mom and stepdad and grandpa also came down for Jillian's birthday. We spent a day down at the beach where Jillian just got right in the thick of whatever was going on. Alan would dig a hole and she would sit in it.

We had some friends come over Saturday afternoon. Our really good friends since high school times who are also living here came and brought their little ones.

Julia was a little bit upset that Jillian had a big party that was planned ahead of time. So her dad cooked up a surprise party at the skating rink. I was in charge of inviting kids. I could have done a better job, but I invited my favorites I guess you could say. And she was shocked and the party was fun.

That kicked off the weekend of birthday/Halloween fun. We carved pumpkins finally on Sunday. I had to hunt to find pumpkins. I guess not everyone around here procrastinates holidays like I do.

Sean turned the kids loose on their pumpkins with the knives and he retreated to a bench to carve his own. I didn't mind - I was just surprised he trusted them (Alan) so much.

And we had some costuming changes last minute. Holly said for weeks she was going as a mad scientist. Then as she watched Julia putting on Cleopatra makeup she decided she wanted to be something that used makeup. I tried to convince her that a scientist could get dolled up. She decided to go as a Zombie Waitress while we were eating dinner on Halloween night.

Alan's pumpkin face has a nost that is connected to his mouth just like a dog - that's his description. Holly made hers with freckles.

And everyone carved a name or initial in theirs.

It's been a busy few weeks. And now it's time to start thinking about Holly's birthday and Thanksgiving and Christmas. Better take a big breath now I guess... time sure goes fast!

Colonial Times

2011-10-14T15:26:00.002-07:00

Oliver's mom is cutting silhouettes at a Living History event at a park in North Augusta, SC, this weekend. The kids and Oliver are there, too. She made some historical clothing for the kids to wear to participate as school children and today was the day that area school kids came to see the exhibitors.

Alan enjoyed the creek - along with lots of other kids -

while Grandma Sarah demonstrated her craft.

The girls were also enjoying writing with quill pens and checking out the toymaker's booth. I just hope the rest of the weekend goes as smoothly!

The Last Few Weeks Nutshell

2011-10-14T15:21:00.000-07:00

I like to play the piano to alleviate stress.

Looks like Jillian likes it, too.

I probably didn't mention, since I haven't been good about blogging regularly, that Sean's dog Tony passed away at the beginning of September. His favorite thing to do was to retrieve a tennis ball, and he ran for the ball right up to the day before he died. Since then, the back yard isn't quite the same, but Annie seems to be adjusting to her role of Only Dog rather well.

Jillian is starting to walk, and climb. The house next door to us has some pretty lantana, too.

And Julia got to sit first chair at the first orchestra concert this week.

We listened to the 6th, 7th, 8th, and the high school orchestra play. I'd say I enjoyed the 6th grade and the high school the most and Alan said Mary Had a Little Lamb, played by the 6th grade, was his favorite song of the night.

Notice that Julia's not wearing her glasses? She does not have contacts. She just thinks she's prettier without glasses. And so she's left her glasses in her backpack for weeks. Until they finally broke.

I wish she knew she is pretty with her glasses as well as without.

Peanuts

2011-10-14T15:07:00.002-07:00

Last Spring Oliver's mom and dad sent up some raw and some roasted peanuts. I planted some of the raw ones in the garden and some in a flower bed in the side yard. These I harvested from the side yard. I think it was about 5 plants and I'm not sure where I was supposed to dig for the peanuts - it looked like the stems of the plants would have made more peanuts off tendrils somehow. I dug a couple plants out of the garden a few days later and couldn't find any peanuts even though the plants looked good. So maybe I don't know what I'm doing with them. At any rate I was happy that the few peanuts I did find looked like real and healthy peanuts.

Thinking and dreaming...

2011-10-14T15:02:00.001-07:00

I knitted a little animal for Holly's friend's birthday a few weeks ago. I really enjoyed it. And then I started looking for a new project and Sean's cousin's wife asked me to knit a zombie hat for her daughter's Halloween costume... I'm considering starting an Etsy shop with my projects. I can only knit so many baby hats and animals and stuff for us, but I love to make them. Maybe someone somewhere will want to buy them. So I'm making somethings and thinking about what to make and how to make it all work... thinking and dreaming as I go.

A little something knitted

2011-10-14T14:57:00.001-07:00

Obviously I'm not doing a good job of blogging lately. The kids and I headed out late Saturday to get some new church clothes - we joined our church last year but haven't been attending regularly lately and most of their church clothes were too small. We went to a friend's daughter's Catholic baptism Sunday morning and both girls needed some church clothes for events in the next few weeks.

Alan picked out a sweater vest. He really wanted a Halloween one, but the only ones in Belk were Christmas sweaters. He requested his raccoon get a vest as well, and since I know these days are numbered, I spent Monday morning making a sweater vest for a Webkinz. You can tell from the picture that I made up the pattern as I knitted, but it made my boy happy.

In other news - Julia is getting ready for her own cell phone, which is probably coming her way on her birthday even though I'm reluctant to hand over a phone she can call her own. I admit I'm a little stuck in the 80's. She's made herself a signature on the cell phone we use as a home phone (slowly moving out of the 80's):

Julia wuz here. LOL!!!

Maybe I'm just having trouble letting her grow up. I wish she was still begging me to knit her dolls clothes I guess...

Mean People Suck

2011-09-29T05:06:00.002-07:00

I've seen those bumper stickers for years. Or maybe I saw them years ago. I always agreed, and sometimes wondered why anyone would bother to put a sticker on their car that said something so obvious. Mean people suck.

Julia, to me, has always seemed confident. She wore that silly clown costume to school on the last day last year. And the girl who did that can't possibly be the same girl who now sits in her room in the morning saying she has nothing to wear that people won't laugh at.

She woke up a few minutes later this morning that usual. And even though she had time to take a shower, she didn't. Because she claimed she didn't have time. I guess she just didn't want to feel rushed. Or else she didn't want to act on the rushed feeling she was already having. Either way, she sat in the floor complaining about her wardrobe. Her jeans are dirty. She's not allowed to wear short shorts to school. She has nothing to wear.

Nevermind that I pulled out 5 pairs of Mom-approved shorts. Nevermind that there were a couple of other pants.

I told myself to stay calm. I tried. And so I calmly ranted - after I made her change out of the leggings-under-short-shorts that she'd put on.

Mean people don't deserve your energy. Who cares what they think about your outfit. You have to dress according to the school dress code and Mom's rules. Beyond that, you should like what you're wearing and that's all that matters. If Sally doesn't like it - that's okay. Sally doesn't have to wear it. And Sally doesn't have to look at you. And if Sally is going to be rude to you about your clothes, then Sally isn't worth being friends with or paying attention to. You should surround yourself with good people. Kind people. People who will lift you up and make you feel good. And don't waste your energy on negative people. Because it really doesn't matter what you wear. What you wear on any day isn't going to make that person nice. Your clothes aren't going to change them.

Kids are mean. Especially kids in the 10-13 age. And you have to be comfortable in your own skin enough to ignore hatefulness and get on with surrounding yourself with good people. Because mean people suck.

Holly Cracks Me Up

2011-09-28T19:24:00.001-07:00

On the way home from choir practice Holly was enunciating her words and talking about how she sang tonight. I teased her and asked if that's why she doesn't move her lips when she talks to me - her mouth is tired from singing. She said, "No! That's because when I try out to be Miss America I want my talent to be a ventriloquist!"

Oh!!

Saturday at Home

2011-09-17T12:00:00.000-07:00

It's a girls' Saturday at home. I was hoping to be out about town having fun while Alan and Sean are off this weekend camping with the cub scouts. But as I type, Jillian and Julia are napping and Holly's playing at a friend's house. I've got plenty of chores to get up and do, as soon as I get a little relaxing done.

Julia stayed up til 1 am watching Disney channel sitcoms through the Roku box. I should've known better than to assume that she'd fall asleep while watching or actually turn the tv off on her own. So by noon she was ... hard to deal with.

Holly was entertaining Jillian with some dolls - the 7 dwarves. She compared Julia to Grumpy Dwarf. Which made Jillian giggle. And Julia pout. And demand an apology. Loudly and repeatedly.

And then Julia turned her anger to me - because I didn't punish Holly for hurting Julia's feelings.

My feeling is that minor teasing between brothers and sisters is normal. It teaches them how to deal with people in the world who are annoying at times. And when teasing becomes something more, I step in. But worse than Holly teasing Julia with the Grumpy dwarf was Julia's reaction to the teasing. So instead of going shopping or to the library or out to lunch, we came home from my mom's house and did a few chores before Julia and I melted down, and Julia fell asleep.

Holly and I found directions in a magazine for making a paper fortune teller. She got frustrated a few times trying to make one just perfectly, but eventually we got it. And she took it off to find her friend.

And while the girls are home trying to deal with their hormones, Alan is off with the scouts, picking up trash...

playing frisbee,

and hiking.

Sewing Some

2011-09-16T10:18:00.002-07:00

So I have a kind of large fabric stash.

It's a small source of guilt to me. I go through it and think of all the projects I dreamed of when I brought the fabric home. I have fabric that I let the girls pick out - and they had dreams when we bought it.

So I'm going to try to work my way through the stash. I've cut out a skirt for Holly and a peasant top. I've cut out some pajama pants for Alan. I'm trying to match up patterns to fabric and end up with clothes they won't be ashamed to wear in public. Or not - like the pj pants.

It's kind of slow going so far. But it's kind of fun.

Yogurt!

2011-09-16T10:11:00.000-07:00

I read the blog SimpleBites in my Google reader and saw an explanation for making homemade yogurt on it not long ago. Oliver's parents have made homemade yogurt for a long time - without a fancy yogurt maker - so I knew it could be done. I even tried it in the last year. I ended up with a quart of sour milk instead of yogurt. This time, it worked.

The SimpleBites method suggests pouring the milk/yogurt mix into a saucepan and using a heating pad, towel, and maybe the oven to keep it warm. I poured my milk/yogurt mix into a big thermal mug with a lid and set it on the top of the refrigerator. And it worked! I've got yogurt that tastes like Dannon!

Now I just need to wean the kids from vanilla yogurt with granola to plain yogurt with granola. I've "stretched" the last of a container of vanilla by adding almost an equal amount of plain yogurt to it - they had no idea. I'm not sure how long it will take to convert them to plain though.

Happy Days -

2011-09-12T19:13:00.000-07:00

Alan's joined the Cub Scouts. He seems to really like the meetings - even though I hear from Sean that they're pretty boring. I think it's the playing with other boys before or after the 'meeting' part that keeps Alan going back. And the fact that he's excited about camping and all the rest. The first campout is next weekend...

We've been battling a flea infestation in the backyard for the last few weeks. This past weekend Alan wanted to get something out of the back, but didn't think it was okay to go back there yet. Unfortunately, the fleas still jump on you when you go far enough back in the yard, but they're enough under control that Alan could go do whatever it was... and while he was back there he spotted this:

I assume he's been feasting on the garbage in the compost bin.

Yay, Alan!

And yay, Jillian. I don't think I mentioned that she's taking a few steps here and there. Julia called me at church where I'd taken Holly for choir practice - the choir she's in ends after 5th grade and Alan didn't want to do choir so it was just the two of us.

Seems like there was something else I wanted to tell the world - but I'm tired and not thinking straight...

OH.

THIS IS IMPORTANT IF YOU THINK YOU WILL EVER MAKE LUNCHES TO TAKE TO SCHOOL.

I've started making peanut butter sandwiches and freezing them.

And I portioned out a whole bag of pretzels into snack baggies.

And now it only takes a couple of minutes in the morning to put their lunches together. AND I'm not worried that if we have toast for breakfast one day that I won't have enough bread for sandwiches come Friday.

It's a great thing!

Who knew you could freeze pb&j and it would still be good at lunch time??

Happy Birthday, Dad!

2011-09-10T18:47:00.000-07:00

I'm a little late with the well wishes, but this is the cake I made on my dad's birthday. No, he wasn't here. We celebrated in his honor anyway. I really like the idea of having a cake to celebrate someone's birthday, even if they aren't there. This is probably the first time I actually got the cake made though. It's German chocolate cake and peanut butter icing - or it was.

And it was good. You can tell it from Holly's face!

School's Started.

2011-08-22T11:00:00.000-07:00

The kids are back in school. I'm finding I have a little time here and there to do something besides referee kids fussing. That sounds awful. They don't always fuss. But those are the moments that are tending to stand out in my head lately.

They all seemed to get along best when they had a purpose and project. But coming up with tasks is exhausting to me. One morning before school started I had Holly cleaning the bathroom and Alan folding napkins. Someone swept. It was great. And they get along when we ride our bikes to Blockbuster. Or when we went to the waterpark one Saturday - that is, they got along after I turned Julia and Holly loose to go their own way.

I've started transforming a corner of the garage into a playroom. Mario Kart on the Nintendo 64 in one corner. All the overflow books on shelves. I had a great evening out there playing Connect 4 with Julia while the other two played Mario one night. It's a work in progress, but they don't mind going out - especially since we got a fan out there - and I love that they can be loud and I don't worry about who the noise is disturbing.

Julia started 6th grade.

I have to take a moment.

Julia started 6th grade. Middle School. She has a locker. And she keeps lip gloss in it. She's taking her shower in the morning and worrying about what the kids at school will think of what she wears.

Alan liked 1st grade last week. Hopefully he keeps liking it, although his enthusiasm has waned some.

We've made it to the bus stop every morning. The bus leaves the stop at 6:30 each day. It's not scheduled to leave until 6:40. That makes me mad. The bus driver has told most of the parents or kids to be there by 6:30 because there's a 10 minute leeway for when he may arrive. Personally I think it he's scheduled to leave at 6:40 then he should leave at 6:40. That extra 10 minutes is a big deal that early in the day.

Getting everyone ready on time seems easier now that Julia's in middle school. Her bus leaves at 7:33. And I think Holly kind of likes being the big sister for Alan and walking to the stop with her friends that trickle out of houses as we pass.

The year's off to a good start.

Other than all that, here's some of where we've been in the last month:

On a trip to Tennessee to see family and friends - including time at the lake swimming.

And time at the lake fishing. Or modeling.

And checking out Neyland Stadium in Knoxville.

And swimming at the big pool where I used to lifeguard as a teenager. I even ran into a couple of old friends. And Sean ran into a bunch of cousins. Alan jumped off the high dive with no hesitation.

And we ended the week at Sean's family reuniun where a cousin of his taught Julia how to weave a bracelet/anklet out of parachute string. And he taught her well because she made one that she wears constantly on her ankle now.

Everybody's Home Again

2011-07-23T04:27:00.000-07:00

I picked up Holly from National Young Scholars Camp at Wake Forest University yesterday. She had a great week - supposedly learning leadership skills and becoming a proficient communicator, but I think mostly she enjoyed dancing in the halls with new friends and having what sounds like very little adult supervision. The last night apparently 20 girls on her hall (everyone minus Holly, her roommate, and 2 other girls) had a party in someone's room and all got in pretty big trouble. They were listening to music and eating mac and cheese. Pretty harmless it sounds, but I did breathe a sigh of relief to know Holly wasn't in on it.

Now she says she thinks she'd like going to college at Wake. I guess I'd be okay with that... but I'm pretty sure the next campus she visits she will also fall in love with. She also announced that EVERYBODY had a phone except her. And sounds like everybody had a cell phone that's nicer than mine. One girl got her phone when she turned 7. And she repeated dropped the phone - throwing it to the ground from her bed - to show her friends how indestructable it is. Great. Now I'm sure Holly will be joining Julia in the phone request.

Alan and Julia had a pretty good week while Holly was off. I don't guess we did anything too extreme or out of the ordinary, but Julia did have a friend sleepover and then have a mini party with that friend and another in the backyard. Alan got to go swimming one afternoon and he got his share of computer time. He also bought a special bat and ball with a birthday giftcard (Thanks, Dad and Ginny!) and we spent some time out in the 100 degree heat with him hitting his cool ball - it flies over 300 feet! - and me going and retrieving it. He has some pretty good coordination.

Jillian got a baby swing hung on the grape arbor and the Sean made the big kids a tire swing like you would find at a playground. Holly hasn't seen it yet, but Julia and Alan spent the whole afternoon on it Thursday.

I've spent the last few weeks painting. I suppose I could write a whole post on the house projects - which probably is a good idea. I painted the master bedroom and bathroom, and the hall bath, and the girls' room. Glimmer and Silver Chalice were the paint colors - a very light blue and silver/grey/almost lavender. We - as in Sean - put in a sink from Ikea in the hall bath. It's smaller than the old vanity and is requiring the floor be changed, which has been started and will be finished as time allows I guess. The sink installation was not simple and required a number of trips to Home Depot since nothing matched in sizes and nothing lined up nicely. My contribution was to assemble the cabinet that is under the sink. And to repeatedly request that the sink be put in the bathroom so as to get it off the dining table. It wasn't easy for me either, but I think I got the better part of it all.

We've got another month-ish before school starts and hope to get to the beach a few times. We're planning a trip to TN to see some family, too. I have a feeling the time is going to fly by. It always does. This weekend is the weekend my high school class is gathering for our 20 year reunion. It doesn't seem possible that I've been out of high school that long - but then again, it seems another lifetime, too.

As for a Jillian update - she loves her swing. She prefers standing to sitting for the most part. She babbles. She giggles. She's happy to have the big kids back. And lately she doesn't really want to nap, for fear maybe that she'll miss something. I can barely see the white of a top tooth coming down to join the 2 bottom teeth she has already. And she still crawls all over Bugsy and he still just takes it and comes back for more.

I saw trees on the drive yesterday that looks like they're turning colors for fall. Probably just because they were so hot and dry, but it makes me believe that summer really is winding down just when we got started.

Tucson and Back

2011-07-23T04:13:00.000-07:00

While Holly and Alan were at the farm, Julia was in Tucson with her best friend from our old neighborhood. Sounds like they really outdid themselves with the play they put on this year. They made and sold lemonade and brownies and used the money for props and refreshments for the audience. I loved hearing all about the kids, who I'm sure are all looking old enough and different enough to make me feel old.

Julia flew out there alone. And flew back alone. And she wasn't nervous or scared. Everything is an adventure to that girl. I really need to take some lessons from her.

and More Farm Time

2011-07-23T04:09:00.000-07:00

Alan said we should get a truck to ride around in. He loved riding in the truck at the farm. I believe he told me that was his favorite thing he did there. I'm pretty sure the water balloon fighting came in a close second. I have my own fond memories of a water balloon fight there once...

Farm Time

2011-07-23T04:07:00.000-07:00

Holly fishing. I hear she caught 2 fish. She got to keep the bass and threw the sunny back. And she didn't really care to watch her dad clean it. But she did.

Washington, D.C.

2011-07-07T16:38:00.000-07:00

This is from the top of the Washington monument.

Julia sent me a text message from the metro on the way to the Washington monument. I told her I remembered waiting in line there when I was little. And I remember swimming in the pool on the top of our hotel. And walking a lot. I remember having a map of McDonald's restaurants in Washington and studying that map along with the map of sights we were going to see. I remember waiting outside the White House. And I remember Dorothy's shoes in a museum.

That pretty much sums up my memories of Washington. I have been back since then. I was about 10 the first time I went. Then I was 14. Then I was 20 something a few times.

Mom reminded me it was raining while we waited at the Washington monument.

Luckily for Julia, they don't seem to have waited long.

And I bet she's making some great memories.

Alan

2011-07-05T17:50:00.000-07:00

I love this boy. For so many reasons.

Julia's week at camp

2011-07-05T17:47:00.001-07:00

It amazed me last week that I could go online and find some pictures of Julia at camp. I know I didn't take a camera with me to camp, and I'm sure my mom never had a clear picture of just what all I did there. Seeing Julia's pictures brought back some memories for me, but I'm also sure there are some things about my camp experience I'll never remember.

I don't remember camping out at Cory Rock like Julia did. I can imagine it after seeing her pictures though. I don't remember details about meals and a bunch of other stuff... but I loved camp. And so did Julia. Here she is with her new friend Blair. Blair and Julia could be twins in another life apparently. And Julia's smile says it all.

Washington

2011-07-05T17:42:00.001-07:00

So they're gone to Washington for a few weeks. I'm filling my project list with painting projects and have started more than one so hopefully will get something finished while they are gone. I have a bathroom cabinet sitting in the kitchen. Waiting to be installed.

I admit I didn't think through the fact that the flooring probably doesn't extend under the current cabinet and the new one is smaller... but I can't stand to see the new one sit in the kitchen much longer. I wonder just how much faith Sean puts in my plumbing skills...

I love to see the kids having fun. But I have to keep myself busy while they're gone.

Mommy/Holly week

2011-06-30T19:10:00.000-07:00

This week I had Holly to myself. Julia's at Camp Toccoa. Alan's with Daddy. Holly is here.

It's gone by too fast. I kept thinking we have a whole week to do special things. Monday we went to the beach. Tuesday we went to Mr. Popper's Penguins. We were going to swim at Granna's pool but a storm came over the neighborhood just as we got ready to go. Tuesday night she had a friend sleep over and they played all Wednesday morning. Today we went out to lunch and to the outlet mall with Granna and Jillian. We bought a few clothes she'll need for camp and only 1 fun shirt.

She's had a friend to play with all week. And I think she's had fun. But I had visions of lots more fun outings. We watched TV together at night and she got to sleep in every morning. I procrastinated packing her stuff for camp - kept thinking she had a couple of weeks - only she's going to be going to camp straight from her dad's and so I should have been thinking about the little extras all along.

I hear if you wait til the last minute, then it only takes a minute.

But the anxiety is high for me.

So I'm going to trust that her dad is capable of making sure she has stamps and shampoo and a pen in her suitcase. I think it'll be okay. I'm feeling lucky lately. Yesterday when I filled the van up with gas, I decided I was going to stop the pump at about $65 even if it wasn't full. The pump quit on $65 exactly all by itself, van full of gas. Today I was singing to a song on a cd in the car and decided I wanted something peppier to sing to. I wished I could hear Zac Brown's song about being knee deep in the water somewhere and I pushed the button for the radio. The Zac Brown song started just then, from the beginning, no talking beforehand.

Craziness.

Somebody is watching out for me. I think Holly's going to be fine. And I'm so glad we had this week together. Even if I had to share her with her friend.

God is Good... or So Much for Paris!

2011-06-23T18:06:00.001-07:00

I was contemplating a post this morning to announce Oliver's deployment to Qatar for the next year.

A few weeks ago he called to say his name was on a list and it looked like he'd be leaving in the middle of the summer, although the paperwork wasn't done and it wasn't official. It looked more and more official as time went on, though there was still no paperwork. He did have a date to leave and dates for some prep training. We altered the summer schedule a little. He told the kids about the trip during their last visit.

Julia called me crying as I left town to meet them that Saturday.

And on the ride back to South Carolina she told us that Daddy told her maybe they could go to Paris when he got back - you know how she's ALWAYS wanted to go to Paris?

Oliver and Alan were going to have a father/son week later in the summer, and we tried to switch it to next week while Julia's at camp. But with his deployment coming quickly and still a lot to do, Oliver told Alan he wasn't going to be able to do the special week with him.

I don't know how Alan took it, but it made me so sad. And in the last few days I've said a lot of prayers -

This afternoon Oliver sent a message saying the deployment was off.

HOORAY!!

I know three little kids who are jumping for joy tonight.

God is so good.

But so much for Paris!

Bugsy

2011-06-22T18:40:00.000-07:00

This is a good cat.

Jillian has discovered the cat. She likes to pet him - which really means she pulls his fur while crawling on him.

And Bugsy lets her. He lays there while she climbs on him.

After she climbed on him and pulled at him, the farthest he got from her was the other side of the Little People barn.

And when her attention went elsewhere, he just laid back down next to the barn.

That's a good cat.

Out of Chaos

2011-06-07T12:47:00.000-07:00

I am working on the girls' closet while they're gone this week. I'm hoping they'll come back to a very organized, more spacious room. I'm even playing with the idea of repainting the walls. Now they are a kind of bright yellow. It's very happy, but perhaps could stand to be a more calming color. I'm not sure I'm ready for repainting. Not when I have my choice of other rooms to paint at the moment.

As I transferred clothes from the dresser to the closet I came upon a pair of socks in Holly's drawer. One thin pair of white socks with white eyelet lace trim. She used to love socks like that. She hasn't worn them in a long time. I bet she never wears them again. That kind of makes me sad.

Summer Fun Begins

2011-06-07T12:41:00.001-07:00

The last day of school the kids and I went over to my mom's new house and played in the sprinklers and at her new neighborhood pool with her new neighbors and their girls. Turns out the neighbor and I have a lot in common and I'm kind of hopeful we'll get to do it again. I probably should have spent the afternoon packing suitcases for their trip to Oliver. But I didn't. And it all worked out okay anyway. It's part of my plan to enjoy every moment and relax. I think I'm pretty laid back. I'm working on unflappable. I think that would serve me well as my children age. I aim to be unflappable.

New Stove

2011-06-01T17:54:00.000-07:00

When the stove I'd been watching for weeks went on sale at Lowe's for Memorial Day I decided to go ahead and get it.

I love the "Toast" feature for the top oven. Now everyone can have toast at the same time. I know I can do it in the oven by setting the temperature and all... but it's even simpler than that.

Now just need to move the plug in the wall so the thing will sit back in line with the cabinets, and need to secure it to the wall so it's not wobbly. That'll hopefully get done at the same time that the dishwasher gets reinstalled so the computer in the thing realizes that the door really is closed and it will quit beeping and keep cleaning in the middle of the cycle.

Little Thrills and Big Thrills

2011-05-31T19:08:00.000-07:00

Alan had his kindergarten performance last week. He was supposed to wear beach/fishing clothes. He was not enthused about dressing up until I suggested his fishing hat. Then he picked out his favorite shirt (made by Grandma Sarah) and matched the shorts to it.

Holly charted how every song and whether or not Alan was doing the motions and whether or not he was singing. He sang his favorites, I think. And while he sang and did the motions for the song his class did on stage, he didn't face the audience.

I admit to tearing up when they all did the finale - to the tune of New York, New York! and singing about going to First Grade, First Grade!

Then Friday after school we packed up and drove to Paris Mtn State Park in Greenville, SC, for a camping trip with Sean's family. Last year we went to a state park in Myrtle Beach. Every Memorial Day weekend Sean's family gets together for the weekend camping trip at a place of one of the family's choosing. I got to choose this year, being new and all.

I picked the park because it's close to my brother's family and I thought they might be able to join us there, even if they couldn't camp. And they did. And the joined in on the trips to the creek, the lake swimming, the bike riding, and the eating, with a few short walks thrown in when we could fit it. Noah and Olivia got to spend the night Sunday night. The last thing I said to my brother was 'Don't worry, we won't lose them'. Then at dusk, I thought I'd lost Olivia and both my girls. I thought they were at that creek and took them a lantern to get back to camp in the dark. They weren't there. They'd gone to see a waterfall with Sean's brother and his kids and Alan. Slight miscommunication. Oops. I think I contained my panic well until they turned up.

Holly took the swim test to get into the deep end of the lake swimming area twice. The first time she left her head up out of the icky water. The next time she swam head down - because the longer she swam head up in the deep, the more tired she got and the lifeguard eventually told her to go to the shallow. So she had to prove herself again. She was proud of herself I think.

Jillian was a great camper. We set up her pack n play in the tent and she had a tarp and blanket down outside to crawl on.

I really thought she was smiling in this picture from the thumbnail on the computer. Oh well. I think she kind of resembles Sean's Aunt Becky - when she's happy.

One trick I learned from Sean's mom I brought home with me. She gave Jillian a bath in a dishpan. I think she really was just letting her play in it, but I used the opportunity to clean her up. And this morning I used my dishpan in the tub to give her another bath. She's at the age when she likes to crawl around the tub, and the dishpan gives her water to splash in, but also support. I highly recommend it. A $2 baby bathtub. I love it.

Then tonight was the girls' awards night for school. Julia missed the all A honor roll for the year by getting one B in the first or second quarter. She was close - like a point away - but not close enough. She was jealous of Holly's all A's for the year. However, she received 2 awards she wasn't expecting - a character award from her teacher and a presidential education award that was based on grades and some test score. I think she liked the character award best. And I must admit it makes me think maybe we're all doing all right afterall.

The Pictures

2011-05-26T05:42:00.000-07:00

This is how Jillian looks when I go in to get her now.

A few weeks ago, my brother and his kids came down for the weekend while my sister-in-law spent the weekend in New York City with some girlfriends. Lucky girl.

Holly has always LOVED her uncle.

Aside from trips to the swimming pool, the kids did a lot of this that weekend:

I later realized that Alan was playing a very disturbing game. The graphics weren't fabulous - just stick figures - but what they did was extremely disturbing. So that the part I did see made me cover the screen with my hand to hide it from him. As if he hadn't already been playing the game for an hour. Stick figure 1 shoots Stick figure 2 for no reason and makes Stick figure 2's head fly off and red splatter everywhere. But in a way that would make you want to hide it from child eyes, too.

Holly may have some competition for her Uncle David's attention, soon.

As my brother and his family was packing to leave, we found out that Sean's grandmother had passed away. So Sean, Jillian and I made arrangements to go to Tennessee. Jillian got to meet a lot of family for the first time. She really loved sitting with Great-Uncle Greg.

And she was also quite content to sit with her great-grandpa.

And just a couple days after we got back from Tennessee was when we took the big kids to meet Oliver and headed over to Charlotte, NC, to see my grandmother for her birthday. My grandma was happy to watch her whole family - except 3 - all gathered together.

We gathered at the lake house that she and my granddad bought in the 60's and that my cousin now owns and has beautifully fixed up. The upstairs used to not come out over the porch. In fact, the porch wasn't there before. And you'll have to take my word for it that the inside was as gorgeous as the outside. My cousin has a great decorating sense and I could picture any room in the house in a magazine spread... beautiful and efficient all in one.

Now back home again, aside from dealing with the drama of Life and Growing Up, we're into the season of awards and final performances. Holly was inducted into the local chapter of the National Elementary Honor Society. Her school is the only one in our county to have an NEHS chapter.

And we got to have cupcakes afterward. Just me and Holly.

Tonight is Alan's kindergarten performance. It conflicts with an introduction to the middle school, but since Julia is going today for a tour during school hours I'm not going to stress over it.

I think I'm going to adopt that attitude a little more in my parenting tactics for awhile. Relax. Not stress over it. Let her roll her eyes and stomp. Draw the line somewhere else...

Take a few deep breaths.

Freak Accident

2011-05-23T19:48:00.000-07:00

This weekend the kids went to the Jefferson Memorial. Sean, Jillian and I went to my grandmother's birthday gathering. She's 92.

I wonder what age it is when it's okay again to announce to people how old someone is. I mean, I'm 38, but I'm not sure I really want anyone nonchalantly just announcing it. But at some point it will become a badge of honor. Like - I survived this long so I must be extra special.

My grandma lives only about 3 hours away from us, but I don't go to see her as often as I should.

With all the other travelling we do, that trip is always the one to get put off it seems. It's been too long since the big kids have seen her. So we'll be figuring out how to get them to see her before too long.

We try to get the kids to Oliver about every other weekend. Sometimes it turns into 3 weeks instead of 2 before they get there. And even though it's rough spending all Friday evening driving and most of the day on Sunday, it's really important to me that Oliver get to be the hands on dad for that time. So we do it.

And with all that travelling you'd think we'd have had more troubles on the road than we have.

Yesterday coming back with all the kids, a ladder flew out of a truck in front of us and lodged under our car. I guess we're lucky it didn't go through the windshield. I don't think anyone really saw it happen except Sean, who was driving. Holly was riding in the front seat so I could entertain Jillian. She couldn't see out the front well. I was watching Jillian. Julia and Alan were playing Nintendos in the back. And though we thought at first that the tire was torn, it wasn't. We were able to continue on down the road after filing a report with the highway patrol.

*****

I think of things I'd like to blog about probably 5 times a day. As I walk home from the school after I drop off the kids I compose blogs in my head. But by the time I sit down at night with the computer, I've forgotten whatever topic I thought was interesting that morning. Or I'm too tired to make much sense. Tonight I'm going to keep going - running the risk of writing an awkwardly long post or not making good sense. But I think it needs to be said...

Most of the "mom blogs" I find on the internet are written by mom's of young children. Once the kids hit the tween years, it seems the blogs dry up. And I think I know why.

I don't always want to tell everyone what my tweens say.

It's not always cute. It's not always politically correct. It's sometimes hurtful, and sometimes I'm afraid of how it would make me look to others if they heard it.

I'm not always sure how to deal with the hormones in the house. Julia often talks back at me - and while I probably did the same to my mom, I don't remember it. I more remember my mom putting me in my place and my feeling shamed and quickly wanting to make things right if I'd done wrong. Julia's personality is different. And it aggravates me sometimes.

Occasionally I get a glimpse of other girls her age when their hormones are flaring, too, and I know she's normal. But that doesn't make it easier to deal with her.

Last night when we finally got home, it was time for pajamas and bed. I didn't rush the kids into it. I told them it was time and didn't badger. I know they need time to wind down and relax at home just like I do before I can fall into bed after a trip. But it was getting later, and I gave the girls the lights out warning and then told them to turn the lights off. Julia didn't. In fact, she moved her light and got on the floor to keep reading.

And after 3 times or so of saying lights out, and the lights not going out, I went to the garage and tried to find the breaker to the girls' room. Holly was wanting the light to go out and was helping me find the right breaker. But when the lights went out, Julia's clock went out with them, and she got mad. We all know she was just overly tired and didn't want to be told what to do right then.

She ended up getting upset and then coming to my room shortly after and saying she wanted to kill herself.

No parent wants to hear those words. And it's not the first she's said them.

I don't believe she's suicidal. I suppose I should say that outright since this small window into our life is not the biggest, brightest, clearest window there is. I believe she's hormonal. And feeling at times unworthy and unloved and unappreciated and without power and control in her life. I think she's feeling overwhelmingly unhappy at times and isn't sure how to fix it. She can be so emotional sometimes and then minutes later be giggling and full of joy again.

I want her to know the power of her words. I want her to be able to accurately communicate what she's feeling.

I don't want to diminish her feelings. I don't want to pretend she's fine in those moments when whatever emotion she's having makes her say that.

I told her last night that if that's really how she feels then we need to seek professional help because I don't know what to do for that. I told her it's also possible that maybe she's feeling something else. She said she feels like everyone treats her like she's the devil. I told her I'm not sure what that means. If I thought she was the devil, I'd be running out of the room, so I'm not sure what she means by being treated like the devil. Then she changed it to being treated like dirt. That I understand.

My solution last night was for her to call her dad.

He has a way of talking to her and in minutes she's laughing. Smiling. She's okay again.

And she was. And this morning she was back to her normal tween self, and not the extreme tween she was last night.

There's a line in there somewhere. I don't want to encourage her to cry wolf - but I don't want to ignore her cries, either. I want her to know without a doubt how much I love her. I admit I expect a lot from her, but I believe in her and believe she's as capable in reality as she is in my mind.

And I don't have a good summation. Or a question. Just an observation that parenting is hard.
And so is growing up.

Catching up, Again.

2011-05-23T18:56:00.001-07:00

Laziness has the best of me tonight. I'm not going to figure out how to rotate it. This picture is from my birthday. Sean recreated a local restaurant - gave us choices of about 9 different burgers and made sliders. We could have pimento cheese, portobella mushroom, onions, bacon... the list is too long to remember them all. The bottom line is that it seemed like a lot of trouble for him to go to. And we had most of my favorite foods. Even watermelon.

And my mom made my birthday cake.

It couldn't have gotten much better.

2011-05-08T04:25:00.000-07:00

Jillian is starting to move around a little. She was pleased with herself when she managed to get in the saucer the other day.

Yesterday we went to a company picnic at the shipyard where Sean works part-time. They served hotdogs and hamburgers and had jump castles and carnival games. At the girls' school Family Fun Night there was an inflated caterpillar that I thought was just a tunnel. They went in one end and came out the other. At this event there was a dragon. They went in the mouth...

and came out the other end. Hm.

There were also a few tractors on display. Three years ago, Alan would have bee-lined it to the tractors. Yesterday we played a few games and ate lunch before meandering over to check them out.

There were maybe 6 in all - Farmall and John Deere. No two were the same size. One was a two-seater.

If I hadn't worn a skirt I'd have ridden the bull. Sean rode after Alan refused. Alan got on and then got off. I'm not sure what he was afraid of... maybe it had to do with the saddle being so slick. Sean flew right off the other side as he tried to mount the first time. Gave the guys running the ride a little chuckle...

Before we left the kids played carnival games over and over and over. Holly really wanted a stuffed frog prize, and Sean eventually won it for her. She then turned around and played some other game to win a stuffed turtle. And Sean won a cool alarm clock as a door prize. It responds to voice commands. (As in - "Seven PM" and not "Five more minutes!")

I think the kids had a good time. As we went in, we were handed reuseable grocery bags and trinkets with the company name on them. That's the bag that Alan's carrying in the picture. There were pictures on display from Family Days from 2004 to 2010. Julia wants to go again next year, to see if we made it into any of the pictures for 2011. Guess we'll see...

The Apple...

2011-05-07T07:27:00.000-07:00

Nut doesn't fall far from the nut tree as my mom says. This could be Oliver.

Ready to Push Pause for a Little While...

2011-05-03T05:34:00.000-07:00

We've been cutting trees out of the yard lately. Two big pines in the back and one big oak in the front so far. Now the garden can get more sun and we can fit more cars in the front yard.

Julia is a bit upset at the loss of the trees. I'm not sure what attachment she had to the pines - I can almost understand her missing the oak in the front. I appreciated the shade from it, but not the way it blocked light that could have come into the house and not the sap and gunk it dripped on the cars parked beneath it. I can't wait to have a little more grass out front.

Alan has had a couple of field trips in the last weeks. His class color was PURPLE. Everyone was supposed to wear a purple shirt to make it easy for the teachers to identify kids in their class. His class has 22 boys and 4 girls. I bought him a purple polo. He was less than enthused and immediately said he'd wear it, but not to school. Ha! Lucky for him I found this shirt at Target before the field trips. And as we walked to class that day I noticed quite a few boys in purple polos and one other boy in this same shirt...

It's colorful in the sun and white inside the house.

We dyed a few eggs before Spring Break.

The kids loved it. They took their time with it - spending more than 2 hours on 9 eggs each.

We had just a few casualties, and each time an egg suffered a crack Alan insisted on putting a bandaid on the spot.

While the big kids went to Mississippi for Easter, Sean and Jillian and I went to Tennessee where Jillian licked her grandma's floor.

And we went fishing with Sean's grandpa.

Jillian was fascinated by my dad's beard.

And Papa Mac's hat.

It's been kind of hard to get back to the school routine. I'm sure the next 4 weeks will fly by, school will be out, and before I know it Julia will be headed off to Camp Toccoa for the week.

Photo of Julia courtesy of Alan. Photo of Alan courtesy of Julia.

He looks so grown up...

Friends

2011-04-19T18:29:00.000-07:00

Both of the girls feel like they have no friends at school - and Holly's friendless feeling continues at home. They both said tonight they want to talk to the guidance counselor about it.

Maybe this feeling is contributing to the negative energy in the house lately.

This afternoon I walked outside with Jillian and heard the neighbor girl I'll call Layla talking very loudly at the girls and the other neighbor girl I'll call Alice. The girls were all on the far side of our neighbor's house and Layla was pretty much letting them all know everything she doesn't like about them.

She told Julia that she's too nice and too clean. That she should say Shut Up more often. She didn't spare Holly or Alice. She was talking so loud I didn't have to strain to hear. After almost 10 minutes Holly came walking home. Close behind her was Julia, in tears.

She said Layla and Alice didn't want to be friends with them anymore. That Layla said Layla used to go to church and be good until she moved down from Julia and Holly and that Julia and Holly fight too much and they've 'torn her down'. Layla and Alice noticed I was in the yard with the girls as they walked off. After a few minutes they came over and almost apologized.

Layla said that Alice told her she feels bad for Julia and wanted to say so or she might cry. And then Layla said she was sorry for yelling like that but that they'd just made her explode. She wanted the girls to walk around the block with them.

And the girls were quiet.

I told Layla that you get good friends by being a good friend. I told her a good friend doesn't yell at you or tell you to shut up.

She wanted to know if they could go around the block. She said she and Alice had just wanted to have some alone time.

I told her if she wanted alone time, go have it.

She didn't want alone time anymore.

I told her the girls could go, but they may not want to. I said Layla may have hurt their feelings enough that they didn't want to be around her anymore today.

And then the girls went with Layla and Alice around the block.

That breaks my heart.

Remembering to Breathe

2011-04-15T19:10:00.000-07:00

I got very angry this morning at Alan's assistant teacher.

Yesterday and today we walked to school. The kindergartners meet in the multi-purpose room before the 7:15 bell rings. At 7:15, they walk to their rooms by class in one long line. I've asked many times through the year what time I should not walk him to the multi-purpose room but instead walk him to class. In general I've always been given the answer that they're in the multi-purpose room until 7:15. A few times when the girls have walked him in, they've had to walk him back and forth across the school trying to find his class.

Yesterday the 7:15 bell rang when we were right outside the multi-purpose room, and already 3 classes were lined up in the hall. Today the bell rang while we were still outside the school. So I walked Alan to his room. A girl in his class walked in the room with him. The assistant teacher was walking out of the room as they went in.

Her greeting to them was, "You're early."

I asked her about the time and where I should take him after 7:15 and she told me they stay in the multi-purpose room until 7:20 or 7:25. I then told her that yesterday the bell rang as we were outside the room and the kids were already lined up and leaving and I asked her if we were to search for the class in the halls rather than come to the room. I guess her answer was basically Yes, although she didn't say Yes. I turned to walk off but stayed outside the classroom long enough to hear her tell Alan and the girl to go to the multi-purpose room.

It's across the school.

I said, a little loudly and cheerfully because I wanted her to hear me and she'd made me mad, "Oh! I'll walk you there!" We made it about 25 yards and there was Alan's teacher, leading the kindergartners to their classes. She greeted us with a smile and said very cheerily that Alan could get in anywhere.

Poor Jillian had to listen to me complain about the assistant half the way home.

It's not the first time she's irritated me. She wrote a note asking me to please not let Alan work ahead on the one day he did 3 days worth of 'homework' sitting at the table with Julia while I was in the kitchen doing something else.

We just have a personality conflict I guess. I pretty much don't like hers.

Integrity

2011-04-15T18:39:00.000-07:00

My mom and I went to a shoe store the other day. A woman in line after my mom had a box of shoes and a receipt and as Mom and I were getting our stuff and baby situated to walk out in the rain I listened to the woman talk to the cashier.

She put the shoes on the counter and said, "I bought these shoes the other day, and I still want them. But you didn't charge me enough. See, here's what you charged me, and here's what the box says and I had a 20% coupon."

I swear.

The woman took a pair of shoes back to the shoe store IN THE RAIN and wanted to pay more money for them.

I want to be that kind of person. I have a feeling though, I'd have stayed home, warm and dry, a little pleased to have gotten a special deal.

Aiming for Peacefulness

2011-04-12T13:41:00.000-07:00

I'm in the middle of cleaning off the back porch. The dogs sit out there and shed. And the pollen collects with sand and dirt that falls off the dogs. It's the kind of job that makes the hankie black when you blow your nose afterward.

I find cleaning very therapeutic sometimes. It's almost as good as running for relieving stress. Well, it's kind of like walking fast for relieving stress.

Anyway, I needed a break. And to remember to breathe. In. And out.

Julia, Tamed

2011-04-12T13:34:00.000-07:00

Holly has requested outfits. Clothes that go together. Her color blocking style has gotten remarks on her color coordination from classmates. Personally, I like Holly's style.

Julia has given Holly tips on handling the remarks. One may assume she's gotten a few remarks of her own. And she handles them with grace. "Thank you!" I believe is her standard reply.

My stepdad, Mike, had a very laid back attitude on many things. And his answer to my questions about what I should wear was consistently "wear what you feel comfortable in". I suppose that could be taken to mean a few things - like, to wear whatever feels comfortable. Or if you are more comfortable looking like everyone else, then dress like they do. Or to just wear whatever you want to wear. Or what you think looks good.

I repeat those words to the girls. Even when Julia is dressed as she is in the picture above.

Today was field trip day for her. She wore a tie-dye shirt that matched everyone else in her class. She put on arm warmers and a scarf tied on her head. She was a sight.

But what should I do?

I'm glad she has the courage to step outside the box. I'm glad she's confident enough to dress like that, even if I wouldn't have put the outfit together myself.

And besides, it makes me think of Mike and smile.

He's 6.

2011-04-07T07:38:00.000-07:00

Alan turned 6. I think I forgot to mention it. I think I forgot to mention it because I don't like to remember he's getting older. Maybe I'm worried about his sweet little boy attitude leaving and being replaced by some other little boy attitude.

He's still sweet.

The other day he told me that he'll cry when I die.

And that I'm the best mom in the whole world.

Holly wanted him to have a guitar for his birthday.

We made a chocolate cake for Hamza, who turned 20. Alan got a pineapple upside down cake. It looked great, but in typical 'I Have to Ruin the Birthday Cake' fashion, I forgot to set the timer and I took it out when it only looked finished and it was doughy in the middle. Great reason to make another cake, I say.

Love that boy.

Like Pulling Teeth

2011-04-06T18:25:00.000-07:00

Holly had her canine teeth pulled today. Wiggled out. Ha. You can't really babytalk the dentist.

Since Holly's horrible first experience with the dentist. When she was nervous. When the dentist said she had 2 cavities. When they didn't numb her up well enough and then started drilling and she was scared and screaming. When she then had to go to a pediatric dentist to get it fixed up and ended up with caps and fillings and a bunch of stuff we weren't expecting. Since then, she's gotten a little better at going to the dentist. It helps that she's had no more cavities.

And then she had some crowding issues. Teeth coming in behind other teeth. And the orthodontist suggested pulling the two canines to make a little room. Today was the day.

She was nervous. She had written down a page of questions she had for the dentist. Mostly about the pain. But she was willing. And in good spirits. Until she sat in the chair. It was hard to breathe the strawberry 'Happy Gas' through a nose stuffy from crying.

Tears. At times muffled screams. Cries. The dentist ended up using a firm voice and telling her to stop screaming. Please don't scream in my ear. I have other patients. You have to help me. You can do this. We care about you. We don't want to hurt you. We aren't trying to torture you.

She gave Holly a few shots and left. She came back smiles and happy. Holly wasn't so sure, but was quieter with her complaints and cries.

The first tooth came out easy. The second one was in an odd position and not so easy to grab. But soon enough we were leaving with 2 teeth in a special box and orders to eat ice cream, yogurt, and mac and cheese for the rest of the day.

Holly had a whole pint of Ben & Jerry's Milk and Cookies ice cream.

I think she earned it.

Nuts

2011-04-05T13:38:00.000-07:00

We've been busy around here just growing.

Alan's is impressing me with his reading.

Don't know how impressed Jillian is, though.

This weekend the girls sang in the choir for the Flowertown Festival. They both have special parts - Holly singing in a small group and Julia is one of the lead characters - in the choir's spring musical. Alan refused to join the group but did kind of sing from the audience.

We'd planned to go to TN to see family, but ended up changing the plans when we realized the performance was Sunday morning. Sean went ahead without us and he got home Sunday about the time we got home from the festival.

The festival is a pretty big deal around our town - the estimate for attendance was something like 250,000 people. I think maybe that was throughout the 3 days, and there were many fewer than that at the choir stage. But we did join the masses to get some fair food and ride some rides. The highlights for me were watching the kids love the rides, Alan playing a water gun carnival game, and the snow cones with marshmallow creme on top that were called 'Snowballs' and marketed as "It's a Baltimore Thing".

We're living through some other issues around here - how much makeup does a 10 year old really need to wear? (I'm voting none, allowing some lip gloss and getting tired of the 'But I'm 10 and not 5! argument). Working on doing what we say we're going to do - like not slipping the home phone that's a cell phone in our pockets as we say 'okay, I'm putting the phone on the counter'. Waiting to have a couple of teeth wiggled out tomorrow and worrying over how much it will hurt and what we can eat afterward... And pretty much just trying to make some joy as we go through the days.

Julia's facebook account was disabled by the invisible people at Facebook. Yes, she's under their qualifying age. We lied. I let her join so she could keep in touch easily with a friend in Tucson and I had Facebook text message me whenever she was tagged or to say someone wrote on the wall or whatever. They didn't text me to say it was disabled, though. Oh well. She was upset at first, but rarely got on and doesn't seem to care much now.

And that's our nutshell.

Hope yours is good, too.

Three Weeks

2011-03-30T08:35:00.001-07:00

March 29, 2003

That was the day my granddaddy went into the hospital. The doctors would in the next 3 days find a tumor on his brain and send him home on hospice care with an estimated 6 weeks to live. He lived exactly 6 weeks from March 29. He died on May 10, 2003.

That 6 week period ranks up there in the hardest times of my life.

March 29 I was at home with a 2 year old and a 4 month old. Oliver was on temporary duty (TDY) somewhere. Maybe he was in Montgomery. Someone called that afternoon - probably my mom, although it could have been my brother - to tell me that granddaddy was in the hospital. I packed bags for us and drove to Middle Tennessee from eastern North Carolina. It was a long drive.

I got to my grandparents' house late. Everyone - my mom, brother, aunt, and grandmother - was at the hospital 45 minutes away. So I got us settled at the house and tried to straighten up some. I ran the dishwasher. And remember getting up out of bed to put the dishes away that night because I knew my grandmother always emptied the dishwasher before she went to bed.

Granddaddy came home on Friday, April 1, on hospice care to a hospital bed in the living room where his recliner used to sit. The hospice nurse didn't come until Monday. On Sunday, my mom and aunt both left.

I'd said I'd stay to help. I took a leave from my job teaching swimming and volunteered to stay. But by Sunday my brother and I realized the job was going to be a lot of physical work and my grandmother and I alone could probably not really handle it. So he stayed, too. He was able to work from their house, mostly. Thank God.

Granddaddy couldn't get out of bed. His sheets had to be changed many times a day. It was really hard to roll him over and wash him up - hard because he was heavy and he couldn't really help - and hard because he was my granddaddy and it was just difficult to see him in that condition. No one gave us any tips on how to take care of him - how to change the bed linens, how to give a bed bath, how to position him while we tried to do those things. That first weekend was ... awful.

Once the hospice nurse started coming once a day it was a little easier. She changed his sheets and gave him a bath. But in the evening, when she was gone, when he'd have a bowel movement we'd have to do it all over again. We tried some things to make it easier - my grandmother insisted David and I go out for Depends. They only made the job of changing him harder. There were baby wipes by the bed, but he hated them because they were cold.

Granddaddy scolded David once for speaking lightly about a bowel movement. David was trying to ease some tension, but Granddaddy put us in our place and we didn't talk about it anymore. In fact, if I knew he needed changing I usually went to get Grandmother so she could get started and I could help. It seemed more fitting for her to be the main caregiver/cleaner.

It was hard to be in that time and space. Hard to hear my grandmother up in the night with him when he'd have a fever. She'd put cold washcloths on his forehead and hold his hand. More than one night I was sure it was his last. One of those nights Grandmother called for me. And I helped her cool him. I called the hospice number for some advice. They had none. Basically told me that maybe it was just his time to go. I stood at his bedside and held a rag on his head. Without meaning to, I told him that I loved him. And he looked at me and told me that he loved me, too. I will never forget that.

I helped him eat when he couldn't feed himself. The steroid medicine they gave him helped for awhile and he could feed himself some. Then he couldn't anymore. I'd help him eat jello. Make him coffee. I'd feed my granddad applesauce and then go feed Holly some. It was a strange thing in my mind.

I was there for 3 long weeks that now seem so short. I did my best to entertain the girls with toys from the dollar store. Julia spent some time with Grandma Sarah and Grandpa Bob who only lived 2 hours away. I tried to keep the kitchen and house like I'd seen my grandmother do. I have never been so tired in my life. Then I think I had to get back to North Carolina. My brother stayed on.

The day I left a lot of other family was there. Granddaddy had been awake and alert that morning some. He was sleeping when I left, and I hated to leave without saying goodbye, but then I really didn't want to say goodbye so I was kind of glad to not have to.

Grandmother wanted to know when I was coming back. I didn't want to tell her that I didn't know when because I didn't think I'd get back before he passed away. I just said I didn't know.

The girls and I picked strawberries with friends the morning that my granddaddy died. May 10. My brother called as we were getting in the car to leave the patch.

I don't have many pictures from those weeks I spent caring for my granddaddy. I didn't really want to remember him like that. I wanted to remember him playing cards with me and my grandmom at the kitchen table and sitting in his recliner having ice cream with us. Walking through Wal-Mart with my grandmom. Golfing. Eating tomatoes with mayo or baloney and crackers or a hundred other meals. A million other things.

Now I look back and 3 weeks seems like nothing. I'm so glad I had the 30 years I did with my granddad. And I'm especially grateful for those 3 weeks.

Long week

2011-03-27T19:41:00.000-07:00

I had the stomach flu all week.

Today I felt much better.

Thursday I took the kids to meet Oliver, because they had no school on Friday. Jillian and I stayed in a hotel on the road because I just couldn't push on through to make it back home that night. I pulled into the parking lot and backed into a spot, planning to check on Jillian before I decided whether we'd stay or not. A truck pulled up and stopped awkwardly in front of me as I finished backing in and the driver came toward my window. He was pretty frantic. He said they were from out of state, were out of gas and had no money. He said his wife had left the ATM card in the machine like an idiot. I said all I had was a dollar, but I'd give it to him. He said maybe they could at least get a gallon of gas and something about the interstate. I said maybe he could get a third of a gallon.

I thought it strange that the woman with him kind of had her back to me, instead of watching to see if I'd give him any money. And when he drove off - quickly, and I didn't think to look at his license plate - he went across the street to another hotel parking lot. He was probably trolling there for more people to ask. There was a gas station just up the street. I'd think if you had no money and no gas, a gas station would be the place to park and ask for help. Someone might buy you a whole tank.

So I kind of think I got taken for my dollar. But on the other hand... maybe he'd beaten his wife and she didn't want me to see her face. Maybe he was driving around frantic because he was out of his mind and didn't know what to do.

I got that dollar a week ago from a little old lady at the grocery store. She wanted to give me a quarter for Jillian's piggy bank as we walked to our cars. And then she saw the other 3 children with me and when she couldn't find more quarters, she gave me a dollar so I could just get my own.

I don't guess she'd mind that I gave away that dollar.

Long Day

2011-03-21T18:30:00.000-07:00

I'm not done with my chores for the night. I'm almost done cleaning up the kitchen. It's 9:20 or so. I need to make lunches for the kids. I'm not sure where my nightly "me" time has gone, but I don't seem to get it anymore. I really need about 30 minutes or so to just sit. Read. Relax. Do nothing. But I really like to get it between 9 and 10.

My plan for the next 30 minutes is to unload the dishwasher, load what can be loaded, wash what can't, make lunches from I'm not sure what, and go lay down. That or I'll just say the kids can buy a lunch tomorrow. I just don't like to do that. But now that I'm thinking of it, I should have bought apples at the store today because I don't think I have any fruit for them.

Anyway, usually at this time of night when I finally have everyone in bed - at least faking sleep - I'm not quite finished with my chores. And I feel a little guilty for not reading with Alan before bed because we always read with the girls. And I wonder if I don't read with Alan because he doesn't like it as much as they did, or if he doesn't like it as much as they did because I don't read with him as much. Because he has seemed to enjoy the times we've read from The Wimpy Kid books.

And now I'm wondering if I'm just too tired to think straight so I better go finish up. I also need to put sheets on the bed, because i washed them today. Bummer.

First Swim

2011-03-20T18:19:00.000-07:00

Yes, the water was cold. But no, that didn't stop them.

I think Alan has taken baths that are ALMOST as cold.

After the swim we went upstairs to Granna's and they had hot chocolate, watched Harry Potter, and played Cooties. Fun.

2011-03-20T10:17:00.000-07:00

I got out the sewing machine.

I found a spot for it - on a card table in the kitchen in the semi-awkward space where a table would almost fit if some other stuff wasn't there.

Maybe I can leave it there long enough to make a few projects using up some stash and ending up with useful ... things.

Up first. A taggie. Made from sweatshirt fleece. One side fuzzy. One side not. No planning on the ribbon placement, other than leaving one free side so maybe possibly one day the taggie will transform nicely to a doll blanket.

Of course now that I had that thought it will never transform from taggie to blanket, but that was my reasoning.

Jillian reminds me of the girls as babies - especially Holly for some reason. I've called her Holly more than once. But she's also nothing like them in some ways.

Like - the girls never took a pacifier well (neither did Alan) and none of them sucked their thumbs. Jillian is a thumb sucker. The pacifier will suffice on occasion, but when she's tired, the thumb goes in her mouth and eventually she goes to sleep. (Of course, Holly was a pillow humper as a baby to put herself to sleep - they each have their quirks.) Now that Jillian's found her feet, she also likes to suck her toes. I hope she outgrows that before she gets stinky feet.

The girls - and Alan - also never had a blanket or stuffed animal that got toted everywhere we went. Nothing that they had to have with them. Nothing that I had to have more than one of so that one could eventually be washed. So far, neither does Jillian, but she does like to hold fabric from time to time while she thumb sucks, so maybe she'll like the taggie.

And if she doesn't, at least making it has energized me to get back to sewing some and that's a good thing.

Cheese Crackers

2011-03-20T06:42:00.000-07:00

I tried making some cheese crackers yesterday.

A few weeks ago I got an urge to try making crackers. How hard could it really be? I looked up lots of recipes. I bought some spelt flour at Whole Foods that week. But I never got around to trying it.

Then the other day I saw a post about homemade goldfish on a blog. She had adapted a recipe for cheese crackers, made them a mix of whole wheat and white flours, and cut them out with a small fish shaped cutter. The recipe used only 6 oz of cheese, 3/4 c. of flour and half a stick of butter - with a little bit of salt and onion powder. That's it.

So I tried it.

The recipe said to bake them for 12 to 15 minutes, and the second batch that I let go longer than the first was the better of the two. I possibly could have fit all the crackers in one batch. Even better. No waiting around to switch out trays and whatnot. The flavor was a little - weird. So I may play with the spices or try them with all white flour once.

All in all, it wasn't a bad experiment. Making the dough in the food processor was also easier than I expected it to be. Isn't that how it goes.

Nobody's Getting Pinched Around Here

2011-03-17T14:31:00.000-07:00

These kids are serious about wearing green for St. Patrick.

Note the scarf, sweater, and neon green socks (courtesy of Alan) on Julia. He really wanted to wear green pants, but settled on an extra shirt. It's at least 80 degrees here today.

Walking around today it feels like I'm in a school where everyone wears a uniform. It's nice in a weird way.

Dieting

2011-03-16T19:06:00.000-07:00

Julia has a teacher who is on a diet.

I wish I didn't know that. And I wish Julia didn't know that.

Call me Crazy

2011-03-16T13:27:00.001-07:00

I haven't bought bread in weeks.

I've made some in the bread machine - rolls and pizza dough. Maybe a dough or two I used for a loaf early on. I sent rolls to school in lunches a few times. I'd send the ham and cheese (in stick form) separately and the kids seemed to like it like that. Peanut butter on the rolls didn't go over as well.

And lately I've been sending muffins. I'm on a muffin kick.

Julia has a friend whose mom makes a delicious muffin of some sort with cheese in the middle. When I asked Julia to get the recipe, she told me how she'd asked her friend already and started to explain how to get the cheese only in the center of the muffin. I told her I wanted to know about the bread part. So she asked her friend, who said that any muffin mix is fine to use.

That didn't help much.

I've made blackberry, blueberry, and peach muffins. I've made corn muffins with ham and cheese centers. Today it was brown sugar and oat muffins. This afternoon I altered the recipe and added cocoa to make them chocolate.

I'm using at least half whole wheat flour. Putting in oats. Flax. Berries on occasion (blackberry was most popular.) The ham and cheese were pretty good, according to the kids. Julia says her friend's are not corn muffins though. I added finely ground nuts and apple to the last two batches, and the cocoa ones may rival the blackberry ones. The only ones that no one but me has liked were broccoli. Too bad I made two batches of them. I may have to remake them into a new dish.

I'm sure muffins are on somebody's 'not as good for you as you think' list, but so far I think these are okay. They're certainly not cupcakes. And one of these days I'll figure out how to make a savory one that everyone else likes, too.

Ramblings

2011-03-16T06:16:00.000-07:00

"Mom, if you want me to eat spinach, put it on a pizza!"

Alan ate seconds of the spinach and goat cheese pizza a few weeks ago. It was from the frozen section of the grocery - Palermo brand on the ultra thin crust I think. The next time we had pizza I tried to recreate it with a homemade version - well, I made a white pizza with spinach on it. It wasn't the same to him. He wanted the kind with the square cheese.

So I finally found a white pizza with spinach in the frozen foods and I added the goat cheese ($4.69 for the pizza, $4 for the cheese). He filled up on pepperoni before the spinach pizza was cooked. I liked it, though.

Then Sean brought home a spinach and feta pizza from the grocery. He liked it.

My thoughts on the whole thing are - Walmart had goat cheese for $2 in the same amount that BiLo had it for $4; I should probably try making a garlicky sauce for the pizza and it might be tastier than just drizzling olive oil; I wish I could make that ultra thin crust at home; and even if we know we're being semi-tricked into doing something, it still is better when it's packaged prettily.

Busy Busy Busy

2011-03-13T19:36:00.005-07:00

I just noticed I had 3 blog drafts waiting to be finished. I guess it's just Life keeping me from finishing them.

Jillian's getting big. Starting to show a little personality. Reaching for things. Screeching to show displeasure. But I think I still have an upper hand when I can dress her up with a butt ruffle and matching foot bottoms. Even put a bow in her hair when I want to. All the kids are getting big so fast. I rarely notice it until someone else takes a picture when I'm not around. Look how big Alan is. Tall. Coordinated. At least somewhat.

This past weekend we went to Savannah so Sean could play rugby in the "Old Boy" division. It was a little chilly at 8 am Saturday. The kids watched about a minute of the game. Ran around the field a little, played on the bleachers some, and then escaped to the van to warm up and wait.

A bonus of the kids growing up is that I can pass off the camera to them and get some great pictures through their eyes. I handed the camera to Julia as we walked up the street to get breakfast before we went to an Irish Festival being held in a park close to the river. She really has a great artistic eye.

The festival was free - crafts, shows, kid jump stuff. The only cost was food - which was not too expensive fair food. Funnel cakes, cotton candy, corn dogs and nachos. Yum. The girls (and even Alan) loved watching the Irish dancing - which I call Highland dancing because some friends of mine growing up did it. They were also completely entertained by the magic show by Magic Marc late in the day.

Sean wasn't sure when his next rugby match was, so he left us at the festival and went back to the tournament. Julia and Holly were huge helps to me keeping up with each other and Alan. Another plus of them growing up. Young enough to really enjoy the little things and big enough to be relied upon.

Holly and I rode this whirligig ride. The little girl across from me needed her seatbelt tightened - she was coming off the seat when we went upside down and her eyes were pretty full of fear. So our ride was cut short, but Julia and Alan wanted to try it later so Julia and Holly went together. Alan and I went together, but he wasn't enjoying it and so we got off.

Sunday Sean was too sore to play any more rugby. We had breakfast and went to a park instead.

The fountain was green for St. Patrick's Day.

The park was fun. Playgrounds. Lots of paths and room to roam or run.

A fountain to get wet in.

Jillian didn't miss much this weekend, but occasionally she just had to have a short nap.

We'll have to go back soon.

Back at home I made some chocolate chip cookies with strawberry icing for Julia to take to school today. It was a special request by a friend who is moving away. I don't recommend it myself. I thought making them sandwich cookies might make them better. Hopefully it's not a total failure to the rest of the kids in the class.

Good Morning

2011-03-03T05:58:00.000-07:00

I sing a snippet of this song to the kids in the morning to wake them up. Didn't know it was a Judy Garland song. I like it more now.

Holly Goes to the Doctor

2011-02-28T19:34:00.003-07:00

Holly had an appointment with an ENT doctor today to see if we could find a solution for her loud breathing and occasional snoring. (As I type, she's down the hall and I'm pretty sure it's her I hear breathing.)

She can get a little worked up worrying about what's to come - and tends to fret endlessly. I had a hard time putting her fears to rest. She was convinced she would end up having surgery this afternoon and repeatedly asked me how long the appointment would take and what the doctor would do.

The appointment took 20 minutes and the doctor prescribed a steroid nasal spray to hopefully shrink the enlarged adenoids that seem to block her nasal passages. Hopefully she will outgrow the adenoids in the years to come and the breathing problems will go away on their own.

I'm also hoping that quieter breathing will mean she's getting better sleep and maybe she won't have bags under her eyes and maybe she'll even wake up not cranky. Asking too much?

And I just want to end this Holly Update with a little praise for her. I know she's a spitfire. Hardheaded at times. She knows just how to get my goat and she works it. But -

Tomorrow we have to turn in the Jump Rope for Heart money. All three kids brought home envelopes and information about it. She was the only one to set up a webpage and solicit donations (thank you to those who sent her money!). She did it on her own the very day she brought home the papers. And she also contributed her own money. Without being asked.

She was hoping to reach a certain level of donations to get a certain toy reward - but even when she realized she wouldn't quite make it, she didn't seem to care. She didn't take her donation out of the envelope. And she didn't base her donation on getting to a certain number. She just reached into her wallet and pulled out money. $10. From a girl who is not so easily parted from her money that $10 is precious. And so is that girl.

New Game

2011-02-26T12:47:00.003-07:00

We recently got a basketball goal for the driveway... just in time for the end of basketball season. The kids have been enjoying it all afternoon. I love that.

Right now they are playing a game. One person is filling the base with sand and thinking of a word while the other two shoot. A basket earns the right to guess a letter in the word and the first to guess the word wins.

Alan was just the one filling the base with sand. He had a 3 word phrase for the girls to guess and the game became more of a 20 questions/hangman combo. Julia figured out the first word was 'I'. Holly asked for a hint for the last word which they knew had a 'c' in it. Alan said it had something to do with Daddy.

Julia, thinking, says 'Lucky!' No. What is he? 'A dog!' No! What is Daddy? A pilot... a cook... Close!

Holly pipes up with 'Cool!'. Yes!

'I AM COOL'.

That was Alan's phrase. That had something to do with Daddy.

Fresh Perspective

2011-02-25T21:56:00.001-07:00

Over last weekend my mom and I painted the living room and dining room and down the hall.

Sean said I could pick the color. I decided not to protest that.

The living room has a vaulted ceiling, so we left 2 walls and part of a 3rd for another time, but I don't feel a rush to get to them because I'm so happy with the new look.

The walls were green. And on a bright sunny day, when the windows were clean and the sun was shining in them it was a pretty color and the room was sort of light. Kind of. On a regular day, the house felt dark to me.

Now I almost feel like I'm walking around a different house. We did also take out 2 rockers and push the sofa away from the wall, and I think it also gives the room a new - and more spacious - feel. The kids came home from being with O and exclaimed they liked it and wanted the furniture to stay that way with no prompting from me.

Granted, there are fewer places to sit, but rarely was every chair filled anyway. And the rockers always (to me of course) felt kind of in the way. One in the way of the door and the other in the way of moving around the dining table. I'm not sure the seating we have left is perfect, but it works and that's good enough for me right now.

2011-02-25T21:55:00.000-07:00

We also moved around a few things on the walls. Rearranged the art wall. Now each child has one frame. Our family splatter painting is on the left wall in the dining area. Fewer things on the walls makes the house feel less cluttered to me. That's the best feeling of all.

I took down a couple of frames that had a collage of pictures in them and I'd still like to have the photos out where we can see them... so I'm playing with the idea of a scrapbook page kind of frame and trying to remember to trade pages in and out of it. And wondering where a good display place would be...

Living Out Loud

2011-02-24T14:00:00.000-07:00

The other day Sean, Jillian and I walked to the library. We just did it to get out of the house. I happened to have a couple of books I wanted to return and the weather was really nice. So we walked to the library through a neighborhood green space that goes behind houses up the street.

As we came back we passed a house with 3 boys - maybe around age 10 to 12 - in the backyard. They were sort of chasing a dog - a white boxer, I think - around the yard with tennis rackets and a short chain in hand. It was hard to tell at first if they were trying to herd the dog into its run or if they were being mean to him just to be mean. They were being mean.

One boy saw that we'd stopped and were watching, and he stopped the other boys from what they were doing and told them to wait. We stood and watched for at least 5 minutes while one of them hid behind a tree and the other 2 kind of threw things at the dog. They eventually put the rackets down and pretended to pet him. As we walked off, one boy made noise with the chain and came to the fence to watch us go.

Sean went to the front door of the house and told the man who answered what we saw. Who knows if the man cared or intended to do anything other than let the boys continue to terrorize the dog.

Those boys obviously knew they were doing something they shouldn't - because otherwise there was no need to stop when someone was watching. But they did it anyway. And that's the part that bothers me.

a little playtime needed, wanted, wished for...

2011-02-24T06:10:00.003-07:00

Alan stayed home from school two days this week. He had a fever and a stuffed up nose. Today he was able to go to school, but not willingly.

I spent a lot of time yesterday missing the walks to the park we took when he was smaller. And the times we built an elaborate train route together or played with play-doh. We spent the morning on the couch playing BrainAge and recording sounds to mess with on his DSi. He got in his reading and writing and a little math for the day. Then I told him no screens allowed for awhile. So we played a little Connect 4. We sang and played the piano - at least 8 verses of Old MacDonald and then repeats of favorite verses for longer than I imagined he'd stay interested. We read the last part of Wimpy Kid - The Last Straw. And we walked together to the bus stop to meet the girls when school was out. He dribbled the basketball up the street and shot a few baskets at a neighbor's basketball goal.

From the time the girls got home until a later bedtime than I liked we were busy with the pediatrician and choir and Julia's basketball practice. Holly did homework while Julia practiced, and Julia did hers quickly once we got home. It left me wondering where the time goes. And missing the days when everyone had fewer obligations.

Holly is supposed to be getting to school early for a couple of weeks to set out the chairs and ready the room. The class has chores they divide and rotate through by groups. The doors of the school don't open until 7. But today at 6:50 as I'm trying to find Alan's shoes and get everyone into the car Holly is telling me she asked her teacher what time she needed to get there to be of help with the chairs (since it seems by the time she gets to the room, the job is done) and was told 6:51 or 6:52. It doesn't seems right or fair or some word I can't think of. First, I needed to know earlier if she really needed to be at school that early. Whether it was up to Holly to tell me or up to the teacher to send a note - if the teacher really wanted her to be there I think that would have been best. But when we're already getting up at 6 to barely get out the door at 6:50... I don't want them to have to get up any earlier. If anything I want them to sleep more. Bedtime here is set at going to bed at 8 and lights out at 9 or earlier with reading in between. And they're tired and cranky at 6 am. Maybe having them dress before eating would speed things up, but more likely would just end with them not eating a good breakfast before school. And when they don't get to lunch until 12 or later, that's a long 6 hours.

Basically I enjoyed spending some time with Alan and having the time to devote to playing more with him while he was sick. I liked not having to wake him and rush him through eating and dressing to get to school. I liked snuggling on the couch and walking up the street together. I miss the days of everyone sleeping a little later. Doing lessons together - when Holly was homeschooling and Alan was playing and Julia didn't have to be at school until 8. When evenings weren't consumed by chaos and life felt more relaxed.

I told myself in January I'm going to enjoy the kids more - they'll only be these ages now. And days like yesterday just remind me of it.

Too Good Not to Share.

2011-02-23T20:05:00.002-07:00

Or maybe it's one of those things I shouldn't share.

Today the girls had physicals at the pediatrician's office. Not the flight doc.

They got their fingers pricked to check cholesterol and hemoglobin levels. They had their blood pressure taken. They were weighed and their heights were measured.

At the flight doc I would have expected the height and weight, and that's it. And that's what I expected from the pediatrician.

The nurse handed each girl a plastic cup and said "here you go".

And so I asked her, "You want them to pee in a cup?"

Really? They do that with kids? Hand an 8 year old a cup and say 'here you go - go to it'? The girls didn't know where the bathroom was, much less what to do once they got there.

Holly had a pretty good idea, but she'd had to pee when we got to the waiting room and so she'd been to the bathroom in the last 20 minutes. I told her that was okay, she could maybe try again in awhile. Not to worry.

Julia had no clue what to do. She was ready to squat over the cup placed in the middle of the bathroom floor until I stopped her.

No kidding.

She ended up dropping her cup in the toilet anyway, so there was no urinalysis done today.

The bottom line is both girls are healthy. And now they have some idea how to pee in a cup. And everyone is caught up on shots. (Poor Holly.)

It was quite an afternoon. While I'm halfway thankful for a thorough physical, I'm also thinking a once over from a flight doc would've been just fine, too.

Conversation Hearts

2011-02-16T15:23:00.003-07:00

Alan got his dessert out of his Valentine candy bag.

Want one?

He gave me one that said 'TOO HOT'.

Pink - for Love. He said.

I read it aloud. 'Too hot'. Then he wanted to know what that means. What a conversation. Luckily he was on his way outside to play. (hooray! Sneaky me added playing outside to the chore chart.)

Then later he came back in. Mom - he held up a conversation heart that said 'KISS ME'.

Gladly.

Reputations and Influences

2011-02-14T19:08:00.002-07:00

Ugh.

Here I go again with worries about friends.

At least I think it's a repeat worry - although I'm blanking on specific examples of bad friends in the past.

The street has a relatively new family. The little girl may be closer to Julia's age, but is closer to Holly's size. The girls both played with her a lot outside in the fall when she first moved in or was around. Then it seemed - maybe because of the weather - they didn't play with her too much anymore. And now Holly's been playing with her more again.

That seemed nice.

Julia has her couple of neighborhood really good friends, and they often to always leave Holly out. Holly even got to spend the night at this friend's house on Saturday night - which may have been Holly's first sleepover.

That's all good. Except -
when I went to the house to get Holly and thank the parents for letting her sleep over, I learned a few things about the friend. Another neighbor girl also spent the night. Or part of it. She left in the middle of the night, scared. And the hostess friend told me that she didn't like to be awakened in the night, she lied to the girl that the phone didn't work and finally told her to go to another room because she didn't want to listen to the girl cry. She told me that the girl must have woken the dad of the house to call her mom and that the girl wouldn't be spending the night again because the dad told the girl not to wake him in the night and that if she did she wouldn't be spending the night again.

On the one hand, I'm thankful that Holly hadn't needed me in the night if that was the reaction of both her friend and the parent to a scared child. On the other hand, I'm not sure Holly offered much compassion to the other girl either - or that she was awake for it.

I didn't like the way the hostess friend was so nonchalant telling me about how callous she was or that she'd lied because she was lazy.

I've heard of other times that this "friend" will exclude the friend who was scared from play for one reason or another. And today Holly told Alan that he couldn't play outside with them later because "So-and-So doesn't like you."

I told Holly that that was mean. I probably repeated that it was mean 20 times. I told her that was just wrong to say. I told her that while she might want to have a good friend on the street, she should be careful of this newfound "friend". If she's as mean as she is to the other girl, she could turn on Holly, too. I told her that I want her to have a friend, but I want it to be a good friend. And a Good friend.

The afternoon passed. Tonight Holly lied to me about something. She put on a display for me to make me think she had done something I wanted her to do when she hadn't.

I can't help thinking that my fears are being realized. If it's okay for her friend to tell lies...

I want to trust my kids. I don't want her to have a reputation of lying and I don't want to wonder if or only hope that she's being honest.

Ugh.

Happy Valentine's Day

2011-02-11T05:09:00.000-07:00

No, you don't have to wait for Valentine's to celebrate love. We started celebrating tonight. Mom made a heart shaped cake. With sprinkles. That's how you know it's special for a holiday. A regular everyday cake has no sprinkles. (I made that up.)

Alan thought she made the cake and brought it today so we could eat it Monday. Crazy kid.

I've been trying to think of some kind of Valentine goody to give the kids. Something little. I've settled on chocolates. It was going to be chocolates and sweet tart candy hearts. But I ate the candy hearts.

And I needed some celebrating joyfulness after the roller coaster day Julia and I had. We ended the day with a talk. Apologies. Explanations of feelings. The girl has a truly wonderful heart. We agreed that the number one House Rule should be 'Love Each Other' and that Joy will come from Love.

I'm thinking how appropriate we realized tonight that while we should show love everyday, we don't. And luckily we have a holiday to remind us. And to give us a reason to eat cake with sprinkles.

That Guy Who Talks A Lot

2011-02-10T17:55:00.003-07:00

Tonight at dinner:

Alan: You guys know that guy at church who talks all the time?

Holly & Julia, nodding: Yeah.

Alan: The short guy who drew the cross on my head? He's got a shiny head.

Holly, looking at me: He's talking about Dr. Bob.

Alan, talking over Holly: His head is really shiny when the lights hit it.

{I really needed that laugh today.}

Cleaning up

2011-02-10T13:41:00.000-07:00

I spent a little time lately cleaning out my Google Reader.

I go in spurts with reading lots of blogs and reading just a few. And I switch up every now and then the topics I like to read. For awhile it was knitting and sewing... until I felt bad that I was doing more reading about other people's projects than creating my own. Then it was food and cooking. Homemaking stuff. Frugality. Green living.

I cut out the ones that I read and felt like I didn't measure up to the author - the ones that I thought I probably wouldn't really click with that author in real life. It feels good to not have so many unread posts when I check my list in the morning. I subscribed to the recipe portion of Pioneer Woman's blog and should probably unsubscribe. Not that the recipes aren't good. But there are a hundred posted each day and I don't read any of them. I just notice the first couple that pop up in the reader and sometimes am inspired to make something.

I also cleaned out some stamp sets. One paper sack full, waiting to be taken somewhere.

I probably should get rid of more. Most. But I can't do it. Not yet. I haven't made any cards in 2 years. Maybe longer. I miss it sometimes. I definitely miss knowing that I have a notecard in the desk to write a quick note on when I want to. But I tried to keep the ones I know I've loved and are easiest to make something from.

I briefly looked up some of the sets on ebay and a stampers forum to see if it might be worth trying to sell them somehow. I think I'll end up donating them. Even if I thought I could find a buyer, I'm not sure it would be worth the wait.

It always feels good to clean things out a little. Make a little space. No doubt I'll think of something I want to put in that space I've made soon...

Bread Machine Love

2011-02-10T02:00:00.000-07:00

I just started getting mildly profficient at making bread by hand and I decided to spend a Christmas gift card (thanks, Dad and Ginny!) on a bread machine.

I hope it doesn't end my hand kneading for good, but I'm really enjoying being able to put the ingredients in the pan in a matter of minutes and turning my attention to other things instead of trying to find 20 minutes plus to get it started and cleaned up and then worrying about whether or not the dough will rise and how long it will really take and if I'll need the oven (where I sometimes let it rise) in the meantime.

This machine will make a 2 lb batch of dough. The other machines I've had only made a 1 lb or a 1.5 lb batch. I'm pretty sure we used to make 2 pizzas from a 1 lb batch before. The only recipe I've done so far in this one is a 2 lb. I've made it into rolls or rolls plus a loaf. Last night I made 6 rolls and a loaf of cinnamon bread. Yum. Tonight I made rolls and a regular loaf. I only use the machine to make the dough. I don't like the funny shape it bakes - I don't find it practical.

And so far I think sending the kids with a roll or two in their lunch boxes has been better than the times I used homemade bread to make a sandwich. I put the turkey in a separate baggie instead and the lunch bags are coming home emptier. That's good. I think I'll come out better on the bread budget, too.

And today I mixed up a starter for sourdough. We'll see if it turns into anything... Maybe now that the pressure is off to make bread at a certain time I'll find time to play with making a sourdough loaf once in a while.

Did I mention I love bread? My favorite food...

Breakfast

2011-02-09T20:12:00.004-07:00

I quit buying cereal.

Sometimes I feel like a food freak.

I hear things on the morning talk shows about sugar and health and how we should try to limit it in our diets - how addictive it can be - and it makes me go crazy looking at the food labels and thinking about how I can cut back. I decided that breakfast cereal was one place I could cut back.

I like Cheerios. The kids eat them okay. With sugar or honey on them. But I end up feeling like I've wasted milk when they don't drink the milk out of the bowl, and while Julia might eat 2 bowls (especially if it's a cereal like Honey Bunches of Oats) there were mornings that Holly wouldn't eat. And we'd run out of cereal halfway through the week.

What a ridiculous complaint.

Anyway. Because I got tired of trying to decide what cereal to buy. Whether or not it had too much sugar. Should I limit how many servings they had of it at breakfast. I quit buying it.

I used to make Alan oatmeal in the morning. Sometimes I still do. He loves it. The girls - not so much. They all like toast and jam. Some like toast and peanut butter. We were going through a lot of bread when I made toast every morning.

Eggs they all eat. They all like them baked. Kind of cheese frittata style. But it takes some time to bake it in the morning, and irritates me when not everyone eats it all. Holly loves to make her own scrambled eggs. She's even made scrambled eggs for the others in the morning. I just don't want to be a short order cook in the morning and so if I'm making eggs I tend to bake them... less attention needed from me and everyone eats.

Pancakes and waffles. I've made them so often I've heard the kids say they're tired of pancakes. I ran out of maple syrup and have been giving them cinnamon sugar on them instead. I like it. They like it okay - not as much as maple syrup.

So I've been looking for new breakfast ideas. Maybe it's time for banana bread or muffins. Pumpkin waffles. Peanut butter waffles or pancakes. And the thinking about new breakfast foods got me to wondering what people eat for breakfast in other countries. And then I started thinking about our dinner menu for the week and got the idea to try out some recipes from other countries. Maybe have the kids put names of a country in a jar and pull one out every so often and cook a few meals from that place. Less decisions for me... learning experience for us all. Holly announced she wants to use chopsticks. Alan picked English food.

Anyone have any miracle breakfast recipes to share? You know - quick to make, healthy, and everyone loves it even if I make it every day for a month?

A Few Photos from my Phone

2011-02-09T02:00:00.000-07:00

Alan had to decorate a tissue or shoe box for a Valentine mailbox. For some reason he decided he needed to do it on Monday afternoon. That's really okay with me since every other project we've done like that has been done the night before it's due at school. He insisted the slot be skinny - maybe like one he's seen on a Charlie Brown movie?

But there's proof that this is not all he's done lately:

I love the crossed legs. In fact, he didn't play the DSi at all today. And the other day at Mom's he walked in looking for Lincoln logs.

Other good news around here is that Jillian has learned to roll over. Front to back. She doesn't do it on demand, but she does it when she wants to - and her arms aren't positioned wrong.

I love that terry outfit I found at Target. It has a big butterfly on the butt. And polkadots on the feet.

Basketball season is almost over. I think Alan's enjoying it. He doesn't always want to go to the games or the practices, but he has fun once he's there. And likes to play with the ball around the house.

and then the big girls. Holly had an orthodontist appointment this week. The dentist suggested we have 2 teeth pulled out on the bottom, to make room for a tooth that has come in behind the row it's supposed to be in. Eventually she'll have braces to move her center line back to center on the bottom. The dentist actually said we'd let her regular dentist "wiggle those two out". It took me a minute to realize that he meant have the teeth pulled. But he's also great with kids and she's fine with the whole plan. Even the pulling.

Julia gives me this look a lot these days. And sometimes it's in jest. Sometimes it's hard to tell.

They're all growing up so fast.

Lessons

2011-02-08T05:17:00.001-07:00

A number of years ago I commented to my cousin whose family was growing at the same rate my family was growing that I wished she would tell me her secrets to being organized and all. Her answer surprised me - that organizing is an ongoing thing. That you have to change and adapt. That really hadn't occurred to me. I thought there was a best way of doing things, and I hadn't figured it out yet.

Ha. Silly me. The best way just keeps changing. I've also learned -

Things don't have to be perfect.

Julia had a 'pound-a-ball' toy when she was an infant. Hammer the colored balls down the holes at the top and they come out the bottom. There were rings around the holes at the top to match the ball colors and one day she pulled the rings off. My first thought, I'm quite ashamed to say, was 'How am I going to get the colors back in the right order?' And about 3 seconds later the answer hit me. There was no specific order for the colors on the toy. It didn't matter if red was first or last. I'd like to think it was due to months of sleep deprivation that I panicked, but I'm not sure. I do know that I realized then that things don't have to be perfect.

Since then, I've also learned that a few stains on their clothes aren't going to hurt - nor will stains on a pot. And if today isn't so great, maybe tomorrow will be better. Neither is likely to be perfect - even if it's Christmas. And that's okay.

Getting out the door is going to take longer than you think.

I used to teach swimming lessons at a fitness club. I started when Julia was about 2 months old and she and eventually Holly would stay in the nursery while I taught. It took awhile for me to figure out that I couldn't just pick up and get in the car and drive to work. I had to plan for time to get in the car and get out of the car and get everyone settled in the nursery. And it hasn't changed. Even now that most of them can get their own stuff and put on their own coats and shoes, it still takes longer to get us all in and out of the car and to our destination than you might expect. Everytime I think we're ahead of schedule, we end up right on time.

Every morning we leave the house about 10 minutes later than I aim to leave. They still get there with plenty of time before the tardy bell, but it's the aiming and missing that bugs me. Good thing I know that it doesn't have to be perfect.

We all throw fits - they just look different.

I try not to cry when I throw a fit. I try to be very grown-up about it. Sometimes I fail miserably. I understand the kids' frustration at not being able to control what's going on around them. I can't always fix it for them, and I don't always want t0, but I understand. My reaction to their fits is, "We don't throw fits." However, I know that's a lie. We shouldn't. I don't want us to. But we all do. They just look different.

I need to remember that first rule more often. I bet I'd throw fewer fits. Especially when we're running behind schedule.

One Day

2011-02-05T18:09:00.005-07:00

That's what I lasted with the new rule on the DSi time limit. I won't tell him that, but I'm changing my strategy.

Here's why.

I'm choosing my battles.

Sometimes it's easier on me to let him play his game while I'm cooking dinner, even though he's past his limit. If we're in the car and he's playing nicely, then I don't really care if he's playing over the limit. If I want to play basketball with him, or go to the library, or play Uno and he's over the limit it's different. But if it's raining and cold out and I'm folding laundry, giving the baby a bath, cooking or doing other chores, then it's okay with me if he's on longer than his time.

I know - consistency and all that. I'm not saying I want to or will give him free unlimited access to it. Just that I view the rule as flexible.

It comes down to - I don't want to watch the clock. I don't like being referee. And there are times that the alternative to playing the DSi isn't all that much better for him.

I want him to ride his bike. Play basketball. Run around outside. I want him to read. To go to the library. To draw. Play with play-doh. Board games.

Most of those things are more fun when done with someone else. So if I want him to do those things, I should encourage them by participating.

Behind the time limit is the feeling that the DS shouldn't be more important than say brushing teeth. It shouldn't be more important than getting ready for school. It should be taken for the game that it is, and he should be spending time outside when possible.

So far, he's done pretty well with his limit. He straightened up his act in church when I reminded him of gaining time by behaving properly. He quit playing when I reminded him he was past his 30 minutes, and he's accepted it the times I told him we were done with the DSi for the night. All those things are improvements on the throwing fits when told to get off for any reason before.

So for the picking battles thing... I think it's going okay.

Family Meeting

2011-02-04T18:39:00.002-07:00

Last week we set a limit on Alan's playing of his DSi. He is allowed an hour a day, and the possibility of earning more time exists but isn't concrete.

Tonight we had a family meeting. For the next week we are going to try making it a 30 minute limit with an extra 30 minutes possible for good behavior - no fits, no fussing when asked to do something. That extra 30 will probably be given in 5 minute increments. So for tomorrow Alan gets 45 minutes.

All of the kids are supposed to be allowed an hour of Nintendo. But they all want the DSi and so far only Alan has gotten it everyday. Holly has gotten zero time on the DSi. And today she really got angry at me (I don't remember why - I just remember her screaming at me ugly) and I told her if she spoke to me even sort of like that again I was going to ground her for a week. From what I didn't know.

Tonight at the family meeting I asked her about it. I asked her if she knew what that meant - to be grounded. And she said she knew she was about to lose privileges. I asked her what privileges she could imagine losing. She answered - DSi time, TV time, computer time. I asked her when in the last week she had any of those things. She had no answer.

What can I take away when they don't have 'privileges'?

Sometime in the last couple of weeks I told Holly she had to go to bed 15 minutes before the other two that night. And I told her that to make it a real punishment for her, the rest of us were going to have a party in that 15 minutes that she was in bed.

I thought I was pretty smart that night.

Today I wondered - if she had more privileges, would she be happier in general and less likely to lash out with a temper? And I don't mean if she had more TV or computer time, but if she had something to look forward to on a regular basis - something that she likes to do. If she could look forward to it, would she be happier?

So in the family meeting tonight we addressed the issue of the Lack of Joy in the house.

The fact that I wanted to introduce fun things in order to have something to take away was not lost on them - at least on Julia - but I did try to make her see that I also just want us to have more fun. Which I do.

So the ideas they had were - to have a pizza night (Fridays). To have a family game night or afternoon. To have a couple nights a week where we watch a movie or America's Funniest Home Videos (anyone have another suggestion for a family friendly TV show we could watch together?). To make cookies more often. To help cook dinner.

We also tried to pick a different activity that they might be guaranteed time to do during the day - like Alan with the DSi. Holly picked playing the piano. Julia couldn't decide and then she also picked piano. I told them that it didn't have to be something bad for them that we try to limit to 30 minutes, but something that they want to do that they can be promised 30 minutes of the day to do. So it might end up that Jillian is napping and wakes up to a gentle piano playing. We'll have to see how it all works out.

Holly was the secretary for the meeting tonight and I expect our next meeting will be next Friday night. Hopefully there will be wonderful progress to report on all fronts.

Wearing Red

2011-02-04T05:53:00.002-07:00

Just heard on the Today Show that today is National Wear Red Day. So that's why Alan insisted on wearing red today.

He cares about women's heart disease.

Ha. Or he hopes he'll get the treat his teachers are giving to someone in red today.

Looking for my own inspiration for the day...

Relaxing

2011-02-02T20:02:00.002-07:00

I went to the dentist the other day. The hygienist asked if I grind my teeth at night. It was also the first thing the dentist asked when she looked in my mouth. Hm.

I've never been told that before. The hygienist said if I'm not hearing anything at night then I might be clenching my teeth when I'm awake. She said that grinding makes an awful noise.

I've never noticed a noise or felt myself grinding my teeth at night, but I had noticed a sharp spot on a tooth. I didn't know what happened, but the dentist pointed out that sharp spot as a chipped tooth and evidence of grinding or clenching.

I guess I need to relax more.

I'm having a little trouble relaxing.

By 8:30 each night, I'm ready to relax. I want all the children to be in bed. Reading quietly if not sleeping. Sometime around 8 my patience goes away. I feel like punching a time card and calling it a day. I feel really bad when someone just wants a drink of water/a hug/an extra kiss or a 'good night!' and I snap at them because I just want to be left alone.

Maybe I need to start running or at least exercising again. Running seemed to help me with stress.

Or maybe I need to learn to meditate. I need something.

Apparently clenching my teeth isn't doing much for me.

So true.

2011-01-30T19:43:00.002-07:00

A friend posted this on Facebook - she found it through another friend of hers on Facebook. It just made me say, Yes.

Normal or Not Normal?

2011-01-26T22:15:00.001-07:00

The girls have always been into art. And Alan has done his share of joining in with them. He definitely has his own style of drawing and way of making people. It's been fascinating to me to watch how the way each of them draws has changed as they've gotten older.

But lately I'm a little concerned about Alan's content.

The girls stuck to princesses. Pictures of family. Rainbows. Butterflies.

The last 3 pictures Alan has brought home have been much more sinister. This one is a guy shooting another guy.

(cont'd)

2011-01-26T22:14:00.000-07:00

The same day he brought home the picture with a gun he also brought home this one of a stabbing. More pools of blood.

I'm almost surprised the teacher didn't send home a note with his pictures. Maybe since there are 25 kids in his class, she didn't see what he drew...