Little Thinking

In the last few days the girls have had a friend or two over quite frequently. Usually - no - For awhile the 3 or 4 of them will play well together. Inevitably one person ends up feeling left out and crying ensues and someone goes home hurt. Or someone stays home hurt. Sometimes the person feeling left out has a buddy who also feels left out and it becomes two against two.

So far, they've always made up.

All the drama, the tattling on someone who is not playing nice or hurting someone else's feelings, the crying, and angst got me thinking. All I really want is for them to be nice to each other and consider their friends' feelings. And to not come to me every time someone looks at them funny. All they really want is to be wanted.

I've heard people say that everyone just wants to be included - that the desire to be part of a group is the reason for cliques and 'in crowds' and bad decisions occasionally when someone does something stupid just to fit in. I've seen the desire in Julia when she was trying to make friends and keep friends last year at school and had problems being one of three friends on the playground trying to play. But I don't think that desire to be included goes far enough into what the true desire is.

I think what every person really wants is to be wanted. By someone. By the people they like. By the people they love.

When the girls play with friends and Holly feels left out. She doesn't just want to be included in the game. She wants to be wanted by her sister and her friend. She doesn't really just want someone to make space for her. She wants to be asked to play and invited in.

When the friend gets upset because she got left out of the taking of turns to spray the hose - when she goes off to pout and wail - the reason she refuses to "just go join in" like I suggest to her is - she is waiting for them to invite her back. She wants them to miss her. She wants them to want her with them.

The kicker is that the desire to be wanted isn't just in children. You don't outgrow wanting to be wanted. It might be buried, but it's still there. That's human nature.