on adjusting

The girls have today off school and so yesterday after school I drove them to Oliver's side of Atlanta to meet him. They get to spend the weekend with Grandma Sarah and him. I know they're excited about it. Alan's even been counting down the days since Oliver left last.

Sometimes I wonder if the pictures here and the stories of the things we do are telling the whole tale of this new life. There are obvious blanks for the weekends Oliver's in town and taking the kids to soccer games and going to the aquarium or roller skating. They are having too much fun to take a lot of pictures and I'm filled in on the weekend happenings a little at a time as the next week unfolds. I do know that Alan can now skate a little without holding the wall at the rink. And he learned to do it from necessity, getting to the restroom across a tile patch at the rink where there wasn't a wall to use as a crutch.

Most of the time everyone is happy. Most of the time everyone is having fun in the present and looking forward to the future. Occasionally the missing Dad feelings come too close to the surface to hold in and we wallow in their sadness for a bit and then we dry tears and look forward to seeing him the next time again.

I have read a few books on divorce and coping and children. I went to the class that the state of AZ required for parents before the divorce could be finalized. The bottom line of the class was that you should put your children's well-being ahead of your anger. One parent shouldn't be rude about the other where the children can hear. That kind of common sense thing.

In the car on the way to Atlanta last night all 3 kids voiced feelings straight out of the textbooks.

When I'm with Daddy, I miss you. And when I'm with you I miss Daddy. I want our family to be whole again like it used to be in Arizona. I want to have you and Daddy both there with me. I want to go on vacation with both of you. When you're there, Daddy's not. When Daddy's there, you're not.

It was amazing to me to listen to Julia speak out her feelings and hear Holly and Alan echo them in their own words, but meaning the same. And all sounded just like those experts in the books said they would.

I know the feeling of being happy to have both Mom and Dad in the same room sometimes. I understand. I feel some guilt about it, too. (Experts say that's normal also.) It's hard - this adjusting and finding a new normal.

I still think we're doing okay. And for the most part it's all going well.