Respect and a Group Mentality

So we've been walking to school all week. The first 2 days were great. I love having the time to walk and talk with the kids. I think it's especially good for Alan who otherwise would be just sitting in a line with his class for about 30 minutes before the day even started.

The last 2 days Julia's had a friend walk with us from down the street. While the walk isn't bad - and I still get to talk to them - the dynamics are not the same and it's just not as pleasant for me. I bet Julia likes it better.

Growing up I was shy. At times as an adult I still am. As a kid, I would never talk back to the parent of a friend. I hardly looked at them. I'm sure part of that was just my personality, but part of it was from the rules I knew at my house. I'm sure I complained and rolled my eyes and pouted at my own house about the rules, but when I was with someone else, I would never dare to complain about the rules.

I don't really understand how an outsider spending time with our family can feel it's okay to question and talk back to me about the rules I or we lay down.

I hope and expect and assume that Julia and Holly don't behave that way when they are off with friends. I assume they follow the rules and let the friend be disrespectful but never join in.

I hope.

The rule at our house is, if you ask permission to do something with a friend, or have a friend do something with you, you need to do it yourself and do it privately. Do not ask if your friend can come over, stay over longer, have dinner, go swimming, come to the library... if your friend is standing next to you. The answer will be no.

Julia is having a hard time "remembering" this rule.

And more than once, in front of the friend who has been walking to school with us, she has asked permission in front of the friend and the answer has been 'no'. The friend has then questioned repeatedly 'why'. It happened the other day playing after school when they requested the friend be allowed to stay longer, and it happened again this morning on the way to school. The other day I said no, explained why - including the house rule. The friend told me - oh, it's okay, we don't have plans, my mom's resting and my dad's sleeping before work. I repeated my 'no' and got some grumbles and complaints and even a 'that's a dumb rule' and then Julia walked her home. Today it was asking if the friend could walk in the woods behind the house with us over the weekend. To which I said I don't know, probably not, you aren't supposed to ask in front of her.

I tried to explain some of the reasoning behind the rule. To teach them the courtesy it is supposed to show. So maybe they would understand. Like explaining the reasoning behind not jumping on the bed by saying 'Don't jump on the bed, you could fall off and break your arm'. Grumble. Grumble. But. But. Until I finally said that it's our house rule and I don't have to have a reason for it. Period.

I know that Julia's reaching the age where she wants to be more independent. She wants to be grown up sometimes and still a child sometimes. She tests her boundaries a lot. It's part of being 9 - almost 10 - and normal. She grumbles and complains and throws fits. Normal. She does it at home though.

She wasn't the one this morning being the most vocal about her disappointment at my answer. It was the friend. Which was good. But Julia just glared at me more. No smiles. No goodbye at the corner where we part. Not a lot of love and respect. And I think having her friend there backing up her opinion on the 'bad rule' fueled some of it. On the one hand I'm thankful that Julia accepted my answer, and while she was obviously disappointed she didn't fight me on it. On the other hand, the friend's example was bad. And makes me want to say she can't walk with us. I guess I have to spell it our for them - you follow our rules when you're with us. You don't talk back to me, you just follow our rules, and if not then you don't come.

I want the kids to understand the reasoning behind a lot of the rules at home. I want them to think about things and not take everything at face value. But I also want them to move to the side of the street when I say a car is coming and not to stand in the middle and turn to look at it to see if I'm right.