Wednesday Night Drama

Be kind - for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.    - Plato, maybe.

That quote came into my email inbox a few weeks ago at the top of a parenting tip email I signed up to receive, and it's stuck in my head.  It was attributed to Plato in the email, but when I googled it, was also attributed to other people.  No doubt many people have had the thought without knowing it was said before.

Julia has been going to Awana for the last month or so with a friend who lives up the street.  She always has a good time.  She talks about the snacks they give out and the games they play.  She's in a group of kids in grades 6 to 12.  The church's pastor is their group leader.  But every week it seems there's been some kind of incident.

The first week the kids played a game holding hands in a circle in the gym.  The object was to not get thrown into the middle.  Julia's friend was forced into the circle with a little too much gusto and was hurt.  The next week Julia had a run-in with words with one of the older girls in the group.  The other girl told Julia she was acting too mature.  Julia was upset by the time the friend's mom picked them up, and the mom brought in the adults in charge in some way.  The adults said they'd talk to the older girl and maybe the 6th graders should move to a different class.

The next week everything was fine, but the only 6th graders to move out of the class were Julia and her friend.  If I remember correctly, they were given the option to go back to the older group and they went. 

Things have been better - probably because the girls have had limited interaction.  Then last night as the kids waited to be picked up, there was another incident.

One of the older girls commented about another 6th grade girl's hairstyle - calling her a 'hot mess'.  Julia asked if that was an insult or a compliment.  The other girl maybe said she wasn't talking to Julia and went back to her friends and said something about Julia's big mouth.  Then the girl came back and asked if Julia gets in fights a lot.  To this, Julia replied, "And?"

Here I have to pause.

I don't really know what happened exactly.  I'm going by what Julia told me, and by what I remember of what Julia told me.  Last night when we talked about it, she was angry.  I couldn't hear a lot of what she was saying for listening to the anger in her voice.  I was a little surprised I guess. 

I would like to give Julia full benefit of the doubt and say she had no bad intentions.  But I am beginning to realize that the innocence is fading.  It's more likely that she was tired of being picked on - or tired of feeling like she was being picked on - or tired of watching out and trying to decide if she was being picked on.  And she lashed out.

The girl I laughed at her and went back to her own friends and then at some point the older girls then told the pastor Julia has problems. 

I'm not sure.

I do know that they were late getting home because the friend's mom stayed to talk things over with the pastor and Julia.  She told me that Julia was in tears when she got there.  I don't know if the tears were because of the incident itself or because she was afraid she wouldn't be allowed to go back next week.

I asked Julia what the pastor said.  She said that he told her those girls live in a nearby apartment complex where bad things go on and they probably have a hard situation at home and to just stay away from them.  He said he may split the class but that he doesn't have enough adult helpers to do it.

And I suppose this is where I have a problem.

I'm all for being kind.  I told Julia that it's always best to say what you mean and mean what you say.  And most of the time it's best to not answer a question with a question.  Her response of 'And?' was really not helpful communication.  I do believe that Julia should be kind to the older girls.  They just may be fighting a hard battle of their own.

But on the other hand - Awana is supposed to be a place of learning.  And to just excuse the way the kids are interacting and overlook it as an outcome of a hard situation at home doesn't feel right to me.  I think they all could benefit from a sit-down discussion.  What a perfect opportunity for the pastor to talk to all of them about any number of things - loving one another, showing kindness, being honest and good and the Golden Rule.  Whatever.

Maybe the fact that when I ask if they had fun and what they did, the answer I get is what they ate at snacktime is really too telling.